What others think of me is none of my business Meaning

Opinions can be hurtful when shared. They are often best left unspoken. This idea of keeping one's opinions to themselves is the antithesis of the Internet, and therefore so much of our contemporary lives. But consider this: Opinions are judgments that many people have not learned to keep to themselves. When aired about others, they become gossip. Though not everyone will agree, many argue, there is no gain in gossip, only damage.

It is empowering to let someone know that while they are free to believe what they want about a person or situation, it is better kept unspoken. Everyone then becomes freer and can focus on unification and fellowship, rather than pulling others down to build up a damaged and broken ego.

Opinions can be hurtful when shared. They are often best left unspoken. This idea of keeping one's opinions to themselves is the antithesis of the Internet, and therefore so much of our contemporary lives. But consider this: Opinions are judgments that many people have not learned to keep to themselves.

“A New Pair of Glasses” by Chuck “C” (1984) is a popular book in 12-step communities. It is written from a transcript of a talk given over several days in a group setting by Chuck “C”, a much-respected member of Alcoholics Anonymous. In this book, the author repeatedly states, "what you think of me is none of my business."

This phrase is repeated in meetings of many 12-step groups, but its original meaning and context have become eroded over time. In stating this phrase, the spirit in which Chuck C uses it is to free himself from attempting to please or placate others by behaving in ways or talking in ways that will make him popular with that person or persons.

There is a tremendous amount of freedom in this phrase for those in substance use recovery. People sometimes suffer intense self-absorbed egocentrism, we may take center stage and perform for others. What happens quite often is that we lose track of who we are. We put much energy into being liked by everyone that we forget what we stand for and what we truly care about.

In finding a sense of identity in recovery, we begin to acquaint ourselves with who we are. This can be scary as we realize that there will be people who don’t like some of our ideas and beliefs.

For people who have many people-pleasing behaviors, it can be hard to let go of trying to please everyone. Complete freedom can be found by adopting the notion that “what you think of me is none of my business.”

While some use this as an aggressive and belligerent attitude to further isolate themselves from their fellows, a balance can be found in recognizing that others may have a differing set of beliefs, but it doesn’t need to keep us apart. In fact, learning to respect our own beliefs and truths will give us permission to respect and honor those of others, even when they differ.

This is a big step in recovery! Accepting that you can disagree with someone’s opinions, beliefs, lifestyle and ways of doing things without being disagreeable is immensely empowering and unifying for individuals and as a collective society. Many people look only for the differences between themselves and others in order to isolate themselves further from their peers. Using this phrase allows one to keep their minds open to non-judgment and embrace the differences.

Sometimes I like to ask you hard questions. I like to make you think. And feel. So, let me ask you, do you worry about what other people think of you?

If you are honest with yourself, I would say that at times that worry creeps into your thoughts. Maybe you can think about it less than others, but it really is a very very common struggle for everyone – but especially Moms. And definitely Moms who work. And especially Moms who own their own businesses (whether they have their own medical practice, are a private voice coach, a nanny, etc)

Women are naturally wired to care about what others think of us – our body size, how we dress, how we wear our hair, what kind of work we do or don’t do, how we parent, how much money we appear to have and how much we are able to spend, and the list goes on. 

For some reason, so many of us look at others to decide if we are doing everything the “right” way. 

Sometimes being a grown up is scarily similar to the struggle of middle school and trying to fit in. 

But here is the irony – worry about how we fit in doesn’t make us thrive and be better people – it is the exactly reason we stay stuck and are afraid to follow our dreams and visions and go after what we want. 

With the type of coaching I do; this is a common issue and discussion topic. As a matter of fact, this came up in one of my coaching sessions this week for a client. I absolutely can’t go into the whole dynamic of other people’s opinion and why they are so toxic and how you can change your way of reacting to them in one blog post, but I can tell you this is a critical skill to have. 

 When you learn how to really embrace the idea that other people’s opinions of you are none of your business (thank you Rachel Hollis!), you become more free and that enables you to feel more empowered and more confident to chase those dreams and make choices that suit you! Once you really start living this belief, you start living your best life!

Once you really accept that the opinions of others about you are none of your business, you have more free time to accomplish your goals and to spend time doing things you enjoy. Your free time is no longer bogged down with your mental and emotional energy worrying about what someone will say or think. . .YOU JUST DO YOU!!!

BUT my client said to me last week, “Meryl, I can’t let it go. . .I keep thinking and wondering what she will say when she finds out I made such and such decision about how our kids will return to school this fall”. 

Often the reason you keep thinking and worrying about what others will say is because YOU ARE WORRYING AND WONDERING YOURSELF if you made the right decision. 

Guess what my friend, once you made a thought out and responsible decision. . .OWN IT! When you can own it, and even accept ownership of your decision and acknowledge the risks, you actually take back all the control and power over your decision! 

Let me explain what I mean. If you are a teacher and someone told you that your multi-color rainbow colored skull tattoo on your cheek looks awful and you didn’t have that tattoo, it wouldn’t bother you because you don’t have one and so you wouldn’t really care. It created no negative emotion inside of you because you don’t have such a tattoo. BUT if that same person told you that because you let your 4th grade child watch the musical Rent , you are an irresponsible Mom that makes bad choices, if you had a negative reaction to that it means that part of you believes this to be true.

Honestly – typically the only explanation as to why other people’s opinions of you hold any emotional weight for you is because there is a itty, bitty, teensy part of you (even if it’s .001%) that thinks they are right.

Guess what. . it is not enough to understand how this works, because this is where the hard part comes in. You now need to start examining why you perhaps think these opinions of you that you are worried about, bother you. You must dig deep and ask yourself why you think they are right. You must examine why are you not owning your decision 100% and embracing it and why are you letting other people’s thoughts have more weight than your own decision-making skills?

If you are confident in your decision than I challenge you to own your thoughts and decisions and to really embrace that OTHER PEOPLE’S OPINIONS OF YOU ARE NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. The more you can adopt this way of thinking, the more you are standing up for yourself and loving yourself and choosing yourself. 

The more you choose yourself, the more you are making yourself a priority and the more you can realize you have the power to live your best life, to make yourself your priority and to choose happiness EVERY.FREAKING.DAY. . without the guilt!

Who said what others think of you is none of your business?

Why am I so affected by what others think of me?

What people think about you is not your responsibility?

How do you stop worrying about what other people think about you?