Is it normal to look at other woman when in a relationship?

Now, this is something that can actually drive a woman crazy, make her feel sick to her stomach and make her feel unworthy of love. When a man looks at another while he is with you, it can be an earth-shattering experience, something you can’t help feel furious and unbearably upset at. Even if you “aren’t that type of girl,” the type who gets jealous a lot… seeing your man stare at some other woman can send you into a wave of fury coupled with a sense of sadness deep in your soul.

A lot of the men I’ve taught as clients have come to me with what I thought was an unusual problem: they couldn’t stop looking at other women when they were in a relationship, and it was affecting them negatively.

For many of them, looking at other women had become a big problem. Married men especially had trouble – because everything in their lives was going well for them, except that they couldn’t stop their “wandering eye.”

For these guys, it negatively impacts their lives because of how upsetting and hurtful it can be to their partner, in addition to how demoralizing it is to them when they realize they’re unable to stop on their own.

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They struggle with incidents that they feel are out of their control, like a quick glance at a woman on the street – and they feel awful about it, especially if the other woman notices. The pain comes both from hurting their partners, and from not being able to control looking and feeling awkward and panicked about it.

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The first step in addressing this issue is recognizing that it’s a problem. A lot of men simply don’t consider this a problem, either because they’re single or because they think their spouse is unaffected.

But for the men who know this has a painful effect on their spouses, it’s a huge step to admit that they want to stop this behavior – they just don’t know how.

To realize what this habit is about, we need to look at it from the beginning. Most men start habitually glancing at women when they’re teenagers. They discover it naturally and it actually feels good to them – really good.

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Men are especially susceptible to a very positive physical reaction when they see an attractive woman as teenagers. Their brain responds with neurochemicals that make them feel amazing – which reinforces the behavior.

Men are especially susceptible to a very positive physical reaction when they see an attractive woman as teenagers. Their brain responds with neurochemicals that make them feel amazing – which reinforces the behavior. These neurochemical responses in the brain are the reason why men begin to look at other women habitually. Add that to the constant stream of attractive women shown on the news, in media, tv , and movies, and you get the makings of a habit that can be very difficult for a man to break.

The habit becomes so strong that for a lot of men, it feels like a “reflex” rather than a habit, and like it’s impossible to stop doing.

Meanwhile, men are told over and over again that this is “natural” male behavior, that males “should” glance and “check out” other women. Advertisements on tv are particularly guilty of promoting this behavior, and most of them use very attractive women to try to sell products.

In short, this kind of behavior is not only promoted, it’s reinforced day after day by the media in today’s society – which makes it even more difficult for a man to “turn it off.”

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It’s only when men get into committed relationships or marriage that they start to see this behavior as a real negative – because they see how it’s hurting and negatively affecting their partners.

Here Are 3 Suggestions For How To Get Him To Stop Looking At Other Women:

1. Help him realize that this is a habit , it’s not a reflex . He doesn’t have to do it, it’s not uncontrollable, it’s just a deeply ingrained habit that he will need to work on breaking.

2. Help him to take a look at his life and really scrutinize it to find the things that support and feed that habit. Things like internet porn, advertisements with hot women, men’s magazines, etc. Try to help him cut those things out of his life so they don’t make the habit any stronger (and give him some breathing room to work on breaking it.)

3. Acknowledge that it’s totally normal and natural to notice attractive women. It doesn’t make him a freak, it doesn’t mean he’s awkward or a creep, it’s totally 100% natural. What you’re trying to help him do here is not stop noticing them, but rather limit how often he “checks out” other women and for how long.

Do you have any strategies to help stop the habit of looking at other women? Let me know in the comments!

If you loved this article, then check out these other must-see related posts:

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Want to find out for sure if you really trust him? Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Do You Trust Him” Quiz right now and find out if you really trust him…

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To be clear, checking out attractive people — rubbernecking every time a beautiful woman comes into view — is not cheating. There are plenty of forms of non-sexual cheating: Emotional infidelity by text, emails with a passionate pen pal, or a recurring coffee date where you get deep into feelings. But looking? For your relationship at least, it is mostly harmless. At least, as long as you leave it at a glance.

“Just because you are in a committed relationship doesn’t mean you’re dead — you’re still going to notice beautiful people,” says Caroline Madden, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist in Burbank, California, and author After a Good Man Cheats: How to Rebuild Trust & Intimacy with Your Wife. “It is human to glance, so if you notice someone good looking, it’s generally okay. It’s more about not letting that slippery slope happen.”

That slippery slope is when you realize you’re attracted to someone (fine) but then pursue further contact with them (not fine). “Good men fool themselves into thinking there is no real risk of cheating and then get close to a person they are attracted to,” says Madden. “That’s why anyone you have the feels for in any way, shape, or form — no matter whether you think they feel the same way about you or not — you should not engage in a one-on-one relationship with them going forward.”

Research published last year in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology backs up the idea that looking at other attractive people alone doesn’t dictate infidelity risk. After following 233 newlywed couples for three and a half years, researchers at Florida State University discovered that those who looked away quickly after spotting an attractive other were 50 percent less likely to cheat on their partner than those who held their gaze on someone they found fetching.

Another new set of studies, published in the Journal of Family Psychology this past August, showed that looking at beautiful people besides your partner isn’t necessarily risky — if you can exhibit self-control and resist acting on temptation.

“Whether looking at attractive people is harmful or not depends on the person doing the looking,” says lead researcher Ashlyn Brady, a psychology graduate student at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro. “If they have a high tendency to notice attractive people other than their partner, it can be a problem if they generally have low self-control or are experiencing impaired self-control, such as when they are tired, stressed, or intoxicated.” Either situation, she says, may make someone more apt to cheat than someone who is adept at nipping temptation in the bud, even when they’re sleep-deprived or intoxicated.

Although these studies suggest that men looking at other women doesn’t always dictate cheating, don’t mistake them for a green light to ogle away without worry. If enjoying the scenery becomes a routine practice, it might be time to look inward and at the health of your relationship.

“In general, if you start to notice other people more or there is someone who you want to look at or talk to more, it could mean you are not getting your needs met in your relationship,” Madden says. “This is where taking that energy and putting it back into the relationship becomes so important. Ask yourself what is really going on.” When men are feeling less-than or like their masculinity is being challenged, Madden says they sometimes start to seek validation from women; this, of course, can start that slippery slope.

Another big caveat to the “it’s fine to look as long as you don’t touch” premise, is that it’s never acceptable to eye up others while your partner is present — especially if it’s more of a lingering look than a quick glance.

“That is extremely disrespectful to your wife, and she should have the reaction of ‘what the hell are you doing?’” Madden says. “If you have a regular habit of looking at other women, gazing a little too long, trying to make eye contact, or looking at their breasts while you are with your partner, you probably don’t have the maturity to be in that relationship. Why are you trying to get this person’s attention if the next step is not cheating?”

Taking all of this into consideration, don’t beat yourself up for noticing someone who’s good-looking — but don’t assume it’s entirely safe either. Accept that you find the person hot, own the fact that you looked (quickly, hopefully), then move on. Any interaction with them beyond that, though, and you could be setting yourself up to make a huge mistake.

This article was originally published on Dec. 11, 2019