How to help someone who doesnt want to help themselves reddit

What's the best way to help someone who doesn't want to help themselves? [serious] from AskReddit

I've been married to my wife for 9 years and we have a 2yr old. Being together as long as we have, we've had some ups and downs but nothing too crazy. Having a kid has changed things drastically but we've managed. Covid hasn't helped either, but again, not a crazy big deal.

Through the years of being with her, she's always been overweight and would often come to me for help/support regarding it. For context: she's 5' 7" and right around 280. She's always been a bigger girl but this is the heaviest she's been and again, Covid didn't help. I would usually have no problem offering her advice/support, but, she would almost never listen to the advice I would offer (which was fine) and would just need support in the moment. She would also preface this by saying "I'm feeling really bad about myself" or "I'm unhappy with the way I look." After years of this and of trying different methods to actively help her, it wore on me, mainly because she wouldn't actually take any action and if/when she did, (exercise, diet, changing bad habits) she would quit after a few days. Another layer to the problem is that she constantly wants junk food and will bring it into the house or ask me to bring her some. Not being someone to make anyone go hungry, I oblige her but have offered and suggested healthier alternatives...to which she would get irritated by but still would go along with it.

So, yesterday she asked me if I could go to McDonald's to get her some food because she's been craving it (a little context: we don't eat McDonald's anymore because when we used to eat it, it was just horrible for us and caused some health issues). Now, this has happened before and I would usually offer the healthier alternative but this time I was fed up and refused. When she asked why, I told her because the end result wouldn't be good for her (she would always complain about feeling sick to her stomach and about how she immediately regrets eating [insert fast/junk food here]) and that she would wind up feeling bad for herself. This led into a huge argument in which I called her out and said that she needs to want to change because she's at a weight now that's very unhealthy. She said: I lack motivation and while I want to lose the weight I would rather be happy in the moment while I eat what I want than go through the effort/difficulty of what it takes to lose weight because I'll be unhappy. I'm paraphrasing but the gist is she would rather be happy short term than work for long term change/happiness. After hearing that, that's when it hit me that she's willingly unwilling to make the change that she wants to make. So, I bring up if she would consider therapy (which I've brought up before and am currently in myself) because there are issues that need to be worked on. Her response: I don't want to go to therapy because what if they prescribe me medication?? I don't want to be on medication! She also had some blood work done recently and the doctor said that she's borderline pre-diabetic and to watch it with the food so she doesn't cross that threshold. Diabetes runs in her family as well. I told her that she needs to address this before it's too late. She then yells "Is this an intervention?? Am I dying??"

She then says that she feels unsupported and that she thinks it's unfair that she's supported me with my endeavors but I'm not willing to support her in her decisions. Once she said that, I gave up because I've supported her in everything she's done, I've not once made a derogatory comment about her weight, ive tried different things with her to help her, and I admit I've been an enabler to this. As soon as I call her out on her issue she says all of these hurtful things and I'm really at a crossroads here because I feel like I've lost faith in her. In her family, food is very big in her culture and they also enable (hard) but will be the type to talk shit about her and her weight and make her feel worse. I want to help her be the person she wants to be but if she's not willing to go through the effort and shoots down any help, what can I do? I'm not a perfect person and I have my own shit too but at least I'm working on it. I just want to help...

One of the most frustrating things a lot of us come across in life is resistance when we try to lend a genuine helping hand. This normally comes from people who won’t help themselves. We’ve all been in a situation where we know someone who is displaying self-destructive tendencies. They continue down the same path making the same bad decisions and repeatedly complain about it. So naturally, you have the third-person insight to try to offer some genuinely helpful advice.

The person seems receptive, even interested in what you have to say. A week or two goes by and this person still has the same problem. You’ll ask, “What happened with doing XYZ like we talked about?” and get nothing but a lame excuse or justification for why they did the same thing again. Then they will have the nerve to complain in detail about their plight.

In very big on the “whys” of life, you could say they even keep me up at night. So let’s dive into why people act in this frustrating manner:

We as humans, are very prideful people. We tend to think of ourselves in a solipsistic way which in Lehman’s terms, means only one’s own mind is sure to exist. We are kind of like the main characters of life in our minds. So when an outside idea or suggestion comes our way that contradicts our actions, its natural to resist or disregard it and continue our habits.

Now that we have identified the “why” of this behavior, what can actually be done to resolve this issue? How can we get them to just see our point of view and use the solution we gave them? The short answer is, you can’t. You will have little success in trying to do so.

“So just like that? Let someone I care about go down the path of destruction?” Look, I’m not saying just flat-out give up on the person. Maybe the second time they will realize that your advice might be a better choice than what they have been doing. It’s just very unlikely if they are stuck in their ways or let their emotions control their actions instead of reason and logic.

There is a cost to you as well. If you continue to try to help someone who will not reciprocate you will not only waste your own time, but may also find yourself stressed or angry about it. “I’m telling this idiot exactly what they need to do and they won’t do it! Then they complain about it!” It can be insanely frustrating to anyone with a more logical personality.

Unfortunately, you’re going to have to let life happen to this person. The hardest but most effective way for someone to learn a lesson or change their ways, is through their own mind. Your mind could work in an entirely different way than theirs does. They don’t know what you know, they haven’t seen what you’ve seen. I’m not giving these people a pass, I’m just trying to construe the differences between your logic.

So what if you have someone who actually took your advice and it didn’t work out? You continue to help that person. They have already shown you that they value what you have to say, and gave it a shot. They are genuinely trying to make a change and not complaining anymore, they want to fix a problem.

The truth is, there is a good chance this person would have tried to resolve their issue on their own, even without your advice. That doesn’t mean you can’t try to help anyway. You may have something to offer that they didn’t think of or didn’t know about. It is ultimately their drive and determination that will be the deciding factor. Problems not acted on go unsolved.

As much as we all want to be heroes and save the people in our lives from themselves, realize that only we can save ourselves. Others can nearly provide the tools for us, and we have a choice whether to use them or not.

Do not cause yourself undue stress over other people who won’t help themselves. Extend the olive branch to them and if they take it, do what you can to aid them. Give them the push they need and the encouragement to do better. Just don’t force it on them.

it's bullshit neurotypicals say to make themselves feel morally better about ditching someone. there is nothing wrong with having to leave someone because it's too stressful, emotionally bearing, or draining. but just call it for what it is. don't throw that bullshit around. you're giving up on that person and that's literally all it is.

that label accurately applies to very little people thats it's actually slapped on. there are very few people that are struggling who truly do not anywhere in their hearts want a better life for themselves.

the reality is most people in the same boat as me are fucking tired of empty promises, people only helping to make themselves feel like a better person, or people simply incapable of doing anything significant. by no means am i trying to make anyone's advances difficult. im simply just keeping 100.

there is a point where you simply just know what it is you need and also understand that you're probably never going to get it. a point where you no longer have it in your heart to keep trying because you're emotionally all wrung out. so no i don't have time to make you feel better in your attempt to "help". the amount of people that ask "how are you" only to just ghost you after you give a not too peachy answer is disgusting. most pretentious shit ever.

insane to me that people who simply are tired of the fake meaningless shit are labeled "tough to deal with" just because i'm not showering you with thank yous for your half assed attempts.

not all help is equal and literally what value is there in help that you know isn't going to have any lasting impact. sure go shame someone for "not accepting help" but it's perfectly ok if they accept it just to end up exactly where they started before taking it barely any time after.

moments like these i just wish people like me were more active on here cause feeling like the only person in the world fucking sucks.

i'm tired of giving passes for people. imma just call shit as it is. doesn't mean i'm inherently laying judgement but walking on eggshells to try and make neurotypicals feel better about my own existence is the most backwards shit i've ever experienced

edit: y'all really missing the point huh. all i'm saying is, DON'T PRETEND LIKE YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING FOR SOMEBODY IF YOU NOT REALLY GONNA FOLLOW THROUGH WITH IT. i literally said there is nothing wrong with something being overwhelming and leaving. but don't make up excuses to make yourself feel better for giving up on that person. that's it.