Why polyamory doesnt work reddit

I don’t want to offend the poly community but they never work out. Most of the time it’s one dude with a bunch of girls and they usually end with distrust and jealousy. Not saying that it happens every time, but usually after a few years they fall apart. You can live your life and I believe that. Most of the time it’s young kids or gross adults which sucks for actually good poly relationships and for those I may think it’s a bit weird enjoy your life to the fullest.

If you want to have multiple sexual partners, that's fine, but I don't think you can have long term, STABLE relationships with multiple partners at once. I feel that involving more than two people in a relationship causes jealousy issues. For example, in a 3 person relationship, I'm sure someone will marginally prefer one of their partners over the other. How can you fully trust your partner if you know they prefer someone else over you? And maybe some of the partners are happy, but it seems inevitable that someone will feel less satisfied. Overtime this jealousy and mistrust will cause the relationship to collapse.

I also feel that polyamory is primarily based around sex, not love. A monogamous person can love their friends, but they only sleep with their partner. It seems like the only thing separating polyamorous relationships from a monogamous couple w/ friends is that the 'friends' in the polyamorous relationship have sex. And like I said above, I don't feel that having sex with multiple people leads to stable, lasting relationships. Its seems like polyamory is a doomed attempt to combine the sexual freedom of being single with the stability of a monogamous relationship.

In the end, I don't really care if other people choose to have rocky relationships. However I do worry that there are people who prefer monogamy but feel pressured into polyamoury by someone they deeply love. I think polyamoury can lead people with low self-esteem to forgo their own needs and submit to a more dominant partner's desire to sleep around. For example, look at societies where men have many wives. It leaves such women with few rights and little power.

Change my view!

Polyamory has been popping up in the media a lot recently and I tend to read the comments on these articles. They do not tend to be, on the whole, positive, with people just tending towards "Nope" or "Ick" type comments.

I'm in a polyamorous relationship with two men, so I've got a dog in this fight. We live together. They're not in a sexual relationship with each other. We are happy, healthy, stable and long-term.

Tell me, what is objectively wrong about my relationships?

And yes, yes, I know it's not for everyone; that's not an argument in itself.

This trend in idealizing it is a bit ridiculous. It ignores human nature and our constraints with time. It's overly idealistic and typically disastrous in practice.

Well, that’s what my non-poly friends are telling me these days. Between TV showing horrible examples of Poly relationships for ratings, and me being the only person they’ve known to even attempt a poly relationship, can you blame them? Especially after my failed attempt…

Warning: This is a long post. Sorry for that, but this is part of how I’m processing all that happened. I tried to keep the scope of this strictly about our attempt at poly and the relevant details that illustrate the decline of our relationship during this time.

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So, my ex-partner (we’ll call them Pat) and I were swingers. We had a lot of fun. With our various partners, neither of us had any romantic feelings for, though some became our friends. March 13th, 2021, we met this prospective partner for coffee (we’ll call them Val), and the three of us really clicked. We decided to invite Val back to our place the following day. We all fuck and have a great time. We had a much better time with this swinger than we’ve had with others. During the rest of March and April, we have Val over a lot, and really explore some fun and interesting times.

May 3rd, Pat went in for a surgical procedure, which meant it would be a few weeks before we could all play together again. We decide, this is a great time to allow our friendship to continue to develop. We have Val over a lot during May, and early on, I start getting a bit jealous. This is very odd for me, as I’ve hardly ever been jealous. I shared this with my partner around May 16th, and am assured there’s nothing to be jealous about, and I should explore this new feeling and figure it out. About a week later, I developed a theory, and told my partner that I think they have feelings for Val. Pat considered what I said, and needed some time to process it.

Sunday, May 30th, Pat comes to me and agrees that there are some deep feelings developing. So, I propose that we have two ways to handle this. We could either cut Val completely out of our lives, or we could try ‘this poly thing’ if Val was up for that. Pat looked at me with dread in their eyes, and said, “Don’t make me cut Val out of my life”. That really pulled on my heart strings. So we shared our feelings about it, our fears and hopes. We talked for a while, and Pat finally said to me, “Don’t you think I have enough love in my heart for both of you?” I considered that question for a moment, and replied, “Absolutely, I believe you do. So, we’re trying the ‘poly thing’”. There was much rejoicing.

Let me backup a second here. So, up until this point, our opinion of polyamory was that it was great for those that had the time and energy to make it work, but we really didn’t think we had it in us unless the person we met was a perfect match for us. We had a few poly friends, and were consistently amazed at how well they were able to make it work. We thought that was beyond us. But, here we were, in this new situation and decided to give it a go. We agreed that we needed to take baby steps and do our research so we did this as well as we were able.

The next day, I met with one of my poly friends and asked for their advice. They pointed me to several resources, and talked to me for a while about it. They suggested that a good next step was having Val and Pat go out on a date. I went home and shared all of this with Pat, who was excited about the resources and agreed to go out on the date if I was OK with it. I replied that I wasn’t sure if I was OK with it...as one of the core tenets of our relationship was that we did all of this exploration together. But, I was willing to give it a try.

The next day, Tuesday, June 1st, I met with Val alone and we discussed it. I asked if they were open to a hierarchical poly dynamic with us, where Pat and I were primary partners. Val confessed that they had developed deep feelings for Pat, and a deep friendship with me and would absolutely be willing to try it with us. Val assured me that they respected our relationship and if, at any time, our relationship started to suffer, they would back off and not re-engage with either of us until our relationship was strong enough again that we reached out to them again. I felt they were sincere, and let them know that we had discussed the next step and thought Val should take Pat out on a date later that evening. Val was up for that and was told what time to come over to pick Pat up.

They went on their date. I did really well for the first couple of hours, but the dread I started to feel got overwhelming. By the time Pat got home, I was in a bad state. After this wonderful date, they had to come home and deal with me, comfort me, and tell me it was all OK and that we would figure this all out. Not my best moment, but by the time we went to sleep, I was feeling better, but also trying to figure out what bothered me so much.

A few days later, I figured it out. It was that whole thing about us doing everything together, and that date was separate. Pat was relieved, and said they were hoping to do all of this together, and suggested the three of us go out on a date. I thought that was a brilliant idea. In the meantime, I said we should really go through those resources and learn as much as we could, especially what pitfalls to avoid. Pat agreed, and suggested that instead of doing that together, we should read through separately and then talk about what we read. I agreed with that, thinking this would be a good way for us to ‘cover more ground’. It was also during this time that we shared with our friends that we were poly now.

June 10th, we three went out on our date. For the most part, it was pretty good. There were some moments where I felt like I was being ignored as my partner was focused on Val. But, overall, the date was a success. We all had fun, went back to our place, and fucked for hours. I kept getting this feeling like Pat was ignoring me through that, but we still had a lot of fun, and I resolved to talk about it the following day. Which we did, and Pat agreed with me, and said they would do better going forward.

Over the next week, I devoured every bit of information I could about polyamory. I asked Pat when they would like to discuss what we both had been learning, and they said maybe over the weekend. I was ok with that, and was excited for our next date night with Val. Honestly, the more I learned, the more optimistic I felt about the entire situation. During this week, Val had come over and we all played together. Pat was ignoring me a bit again, but not as much as before. We discussed it again, and they agreed they would continue to improve.

June 17th was our next date night. Val came over and we went out. We went out to a bar and again, for the most part, we had a blast. We came back to our place, played for awhile and all was good, outside of a bit more ignoring me. It was around this time that I realized something that had been happening when the three of us would get together. When Val suggested we do something, Pat was all for it. But when I suggested we do something, I got reasons why we shouldn’t from Pat. There were even a few times where I suggested we do something, was turned down by Pat, and then 20 minutes later, Val suggested we do that same thing and Pat was all for it. This started having me feel some jealousy again, but I didn’t see exactly why at this time (this amount of clarity is only available to me in hindsight) so I started processing to see what it was that was bothering me now. I was tired of feeling bad about the situation, but understood we were still early in the process and we were bound to have some learning experiences.

The following Saturday, Pat wanted to have Val over, so we did. We played for hours, and that feeling grew for me. There was more ignoring me again, and again, everything Val wanted to do was an automatic yes. We still had a lot of fun, as I didn’t want to spoil the evening. Val stayed over, and we played some more during the night, and the following morning before Val left. Things were OK.

Later that day, I asked Pat about us discussing what we had both been learning, and Pat’s response was disheartening. They said they stopped reading up on it days before. When I asked why, they responded, “Well, I stopped reading it because the more I read through, the more I felt like an asshole for the way I’m treating you.” I was taken aback. My response was, “OK… well, that’s not a good reason to stop learning if you still want to do this. How about we figure out what to adjust so you stop feeling like an asshole?”. Pat said they still wanted Val in our lives, so was willing to give it another go at learning more.

June 22nd, I took Pat out on a date to a drag show. I did this as a surprise, and part of the surprise is that I had bought three tickets, and when Val showed up, we all had some fun. There were a couple of more instances where Pat would do things for Val, that they wouldn’t do for me. When I asked Pat to tip one of the performers, they refused. But 10 minutes later, when Val asked, Pat did it. That’s when it crystallized for me what was having me feel so bad about this situation. I felt a flare of hope, as ‘knowing, is half the battle’ (GI Joe)!

After we left the drag show, Val went home and I thought it would be a great thing to end our date watching the sunset on the beach. On the way to the beach, all I got from Pat was how this was a bad idea and they weren’t up for it and a slew of other excuses. I pulled the car over on the side of the road, and let Pat know how frustrated I was by them always being OK with what Val wanted to do, but my getting excuses, no matter what I suggested. Pat realized that was the case, admitted they didn’t know why, and then said, “Let’s go see the sunset like you want.” We went to the beach, walked along it for a bit, and enjoyed the sunset. Afterwards, Pat said they didn’t know why they were so resistant, as it was a wonderful idea to end the date with such a beautiful sunset. So, I thought we had passed another milestone.

That following weekend, Pat and I went on a weekend getaway and had fun with each other. We came back, and on June 30th, had another date night with Val. This time was way better. I wasn’t ignored, and my suggestions seemed to be met with ‘yes’ instead of ‘no’. That night we all went back to our place, and played and all had a blast. No issues! I was on cloud 9 as I thought we’d really turned a corner! That weekend, July 2nd through the 5th, the three of us went out of town for a swinger getaway. I thought we had this dialed in, and we did for the most part except for a couple of very minor things that we figured out quickly and adjusted on the 2nd and 3rd. On the 4th, we were out playing a game on the lawn with others, and I managed to step on a bee (we were all naked, including no shoes). My foot was burning, like it had a hot metal poker sticking in it, and I needed to go figure out what was up. Pat asked if I needed help, and I said yes please, come with me. Pat said OK, and said they would let the others know. I said thanks, and asked them to meet me over by our tent. They said OK, and I limped down the hill to the tent.

My foot was even worse at this point, and the pain had become unbearable. I looked at the bottom of my foot, saw the stinger still there, and pulled it out (I know, with my fingers, which was dumb). I didn’t know what to do exactly, so I looked for Pat. What I saw immediately angered me. Pat had gone back to playing the game. Seemingly, not a care in the world. Smiling, interacting with the others, including Val, and playing the fucking game. I tried calling out to Pat, and waving them over, but had no luck as they weren’t looking in my direction. I weighed my options, and really didn't think I could make it back up that hill, and my foot continued to get worse. I weighed my options, and decided I would go inside the facility and ask if any of the people running the place had anything to help.

Feeling abandoned, I put some clothes on, took another look up at Pat, who was still happily playing the game, and went inside the facility. I asked and they had nothing, so I went into the bathroom, sat on the counter and ran cold water over my foot. I did that for about 10 minutes. My foot had gone numb, due to the cold water, but was beginning to swell. I thought I needed to get some ointment and a band-aid. Nobody running the place was around, so I went back outside, looked up for Pat, and saw nothing changed. It had now been about 20 minutes since it happened and it seemed that Pat just wasn’t concerned. So, I got in the car, and drove into town to a drug store and got the supplies.

Pat called around that time. I was so hurt and angry that I didn’t respond well. When I asked what was going through their mind when I asked for help, they said they thought I said I didn’t need help. I reminded them of the conversation, and that Pat saying they would get their shoes, tell the others that we were both stepping away, and meet me at the tent. Pat didn’t recall that. They completely blanked it out, apparently. I asked if they remembered that I had been stung, and they said yes which is why they went to check on me (finally) and realized they couldn’t find me. At that point, it was almost 45 minutes later.

Anyway, we had a bit of a blow out, but Pat talked me down, I went back to the campsite, and we went off to discuss it. They apologized and after a time, we were calmly discussing it, and then Pat was comforting me and we made up. By that time, my foot had calmed down and was just hurting. We went back out the tent to lay down and cuddle. An hour or so later, my foot calmed down a lot, and we had recovered from having such a nice snuggle.

That evening, after watching some fireworks, I could tell that something was bothering Pat. I asked what was wrong, and they said they didn't want to hurt my feelings. I said to not worry about it and tell me anyway. This is when Pat told me that they loved Val. I said that was fine, that I already knew. I asked if they had shared that with Val, and they said no. When I asked why, they said that they didn't want to hurt me. I reassured them that it wouldn’t hurt me, and suggested that if that was the only reason they hadn’t shared that with Val, they should go ahead and do that. Pat said OK, and walked over to Val and shared that with them. They hugged and both came back over to me and we all lay there and cuddled. The rest of the trip was fun and good. We got home, unloaded the car and Val went home.

I was feeling a bit over-saturated with Val, after that long weekend trip. We had plans to go out with Val and some friends that Friday, so I had asked for a 3 day break from Val so that Pat and I could focus on each other. Pat agreed. Tuesday was Val free. But not Wednesday or Thursday. I expressed my frustration about this to Pat, and they apologized, saying they would make it up to me. It was around this time that Pat shared with me that they didn’t think that I was poly. They thought I was monogamous (which isn’t true as we’d been swingers for a couple of years). I admitted that I wasn't sure, as we were still at the beginning of this, and still had a lot to figure out. I said that I thought I was poly as the more I learned about it, the more it seemed to resonate with me. Pat said they weren’t sure if I was, but thought we should discuss it more at a different time, as it was pretty late that night.

July 9th, we went out with Val and some friends. We wanted to introduce our partner to our friends. We had a pretty good time, but something seemed a bit off to me between the three of us. Pat asked if Val could come back home with us that evening, and I said that since I didn't really get that break for us to focus on each other, I wasn’t really up for it. Val went home, and so did we. Pat seemed off but didn’t want to talk about it.

That next day, Pat and I went to a Poly meetup and met some new poly people. While I was into the group discussions, Pat seemed preoccupied. After an hour or so, I asked if Pat wanted to leave, and they did, so we left. On the way home, I asked what was going on, and Pat said they really wanted Val to come over, but recognized that I wanted this break to focus on us, so didn’t want to ask. I asked if that would make them feel better, and they said yes, much better.

So, I said OK, but I didn’t want Val to spend the night. And I didn’t want us to see Val on Sunday and to explain to Val that they wouldn’t be staying over, and that Sunday would be for Pat and I to spend alone. Pat said that was fine, and they invited Val over. We played and had some fun, but again, things were off. I kept checking in with Pat, but they said everything was fine. After we were done playing, I pulled Pat aside and asked if they wanted to end the night with Val or have a snuggle first. Pat opted for the snuggle. So, we went to bed and snuggled. After a bit, I asked Pat if that was enough of a snuggle, and they said yes, and asked me to take care of asking Val to leave while they went to the bathroom. So, I did that, and Val got dressed, and waited for Pat to come back for a goodnight hug before they left.

Pat was way off after that, and was crying. I asked what was wrong and they said they were worried about Val’s feelings and felt bad that we had them go home. I was confused as I had asked them to explain the expectations to Val when inviting them over so that they would be prepared and OK with it. Pat confirmed that they had explained that to Val, and that Val wanted to come over with that understanding. Again, I was really confused, but Pat didn’t want to talk about it anymore. After Val got home, they expressed how they felt confused and like they had been dismissed. I was confused by this, as supposedly, Pat had explained to them what the plan was for the evening. Looking back on this, it seems that Pat lied to me about that.

Sunday, July 11th, we woke up to a knock on our door. Val was there with donuts. Pat was overjoyed. I wasn’t, as I had specifically asked to not see Val that day. I acted OK, but when Val left, I asked again if Pat had explained this to Val. They said they had, and didn’t know that Val was going to drop donuts off that morning. I commented that if Val knew that, then they weren’t being very respectful. We got into a bit of an argument, but we resolved it. During this time, my kid contacted me and asked if I wanted to come hang out with them. I discussed it with Pat, since we were supposed to focus on each other that day, and they said I should absolutely go be with my kid, since I didn't get that chance often.

But something felt really off. So, I checked in with Pat and asked if we were OK. Pat said yes, absolutely, that we were solid, and I had nothing to worry about. They had a lot to process, and I should go be with my kid. They promised that they were OK with that, and suggested we spend the next couple of evenings Val free, so we could focus on each other. I said OK and I felt reassured, but still worried about Pat.

Before I left, Pat asked if they could have Val over. Just to talk, and let them know that we needed a few days break to focus on just us. I asked if that would make them feel better. Pat said yes, so I said yes. I asked for Val to be gone by the time I returned home, and Pat agreed to that. I was out with my kid for a while, and returned home 6 hours later. Val had left about 10 minutes before I had returned (I had texted when I was on my way home).

I got home, and Pat said we needed to talk. I had a bad feeling about this, and said OK. Pat said they thought we needed to break up. I was absolutely floored. I was completely taken by surprise, saying how about 6 hours earlier, Pat said we were solid and I had nothing to worry about. They said they had processed all day, with Val, and came to the conclusion that this poly thing wasn’t working and they needed to spend some time alone, without anyone else, to figure out their mind.

I asked for some time. I asked for two weeks. I asked if they still loved me, and they said yes, but that love wasn’t enough. I said I thought we still had a lot of love, trust and respect for each other and that we owed it to ourselves to try this for two more weeks to see if we could improve what was wrong at all. I was willing to put in whatever work it took to figure this thing out with them. Pat agreed, and I said we should get started the following day.

For the next 5 days, Pat didn't want to discuss it. Putting it off until Friday. I said that was OK. Pat asked to stay over at Val’s place on Wednesday. I asked if that would improve things, and they said yes, so I said yes. Those 5 days were strained, and I was working to come up with various strategies for us to work on things. I was prepared for our big talk on Friday.

Friday came, and instead of working on it, Pat said, nope, and broke it off with me and asked me to move out. They said there was no going back, and they now felt numb towards me. I expressed confusion and hurt, but it didn’t matter. It was like talking to a brick wall. There was nothing there anymore. I could feel it… and see it in their eyes.

I moved out the following Friday.

As of the time of this writing, it’s been 6 weeks since Pat broke up with me. It still hurts, but I’m piecing my life back together. Here are some things I find interesting about all of this:

It was 6 weeks between the ‘let’s try this poly thing’ and ‘I think we need to break up’ - 6 weeks from “Don’t you think I have enough love in my heart for both of you” to “I think we need to break up”. Holy shit, no wonder my head was spinning!

As it turns out, it looks like I was wrong when I answered that I did think they had enough love for both of us.

Pat identified the moment they told Val they were in love with them, it was like they went numb towards me, but it took a few days to process that.

This leads me to suspect that when they said I wasn’t poly, they were projecting, as this seems to me like Pat isn’t poly. I’m still not sure about myself, but I suspect that I am poly.

Pat said they needed time alone, to not be in a relationship with anyone, but that hasn’t happened. Their relationship with Val is going strong, including Pat introducing them to the whole family.

I asked Pat about this during the week between when they broke up with me and I moved out. They said that they had no intention of ever becoming a “labelled” relationship with Val, but that they needed the support for now and so was allowing Val to take on that role. Not having Val move in, but accepting all the help and support that they’re willing to give.

How I interpret this is they’re using Val, which isn’t fair to Val at all.

A few of my friends asked me if Pat was just using me, as I met Pat at a time their last relationship had ended, but they hadn’t moved out, yet. So, it seems now that I was that person they needed support from to leave their last situation. This seems to make some sense in how fast Pat went from ‘in love’ with me, to ‘feeling numb’ towards me so quickly. In my darker moments, I feel used and really dumb for allowing that to happen.

Val assured me, not just in that first discussion about us being poly, that if my relationship with Pat foundered or we broke up, they would go away. That hasn’t happened. This is my only negative thinking about Val, as this shows a lack of integrity from my point of view.

And, yes, I understand that NRE is a powerful thing, but I was in a similar situation when I was 17, in the flush of teen hormones and resisted NRE and stepped away from the situation. It was difficult, but I have integrity and follow through with what I say. My actions have always been in alignment with my words, even when I was a teenager, and I thought Val had similar integrity.

I didn’t lose just my partner of 3 years, but also Val as a friend and lover through this. Val hasn’t reached out to me even once, which hurts as well.

My friends (poly and non-poly) tell me that what Pat did to me was fucked up and wonder why I’m not angry with them. I’m still processing, still probably in love with them, and have no understanding about how one can go from in love to feeling nothing towards someone in a moment. Like that song from Book of Mormon where they sing about turning the gay off, ‘like a light switch’. I’m not capable of that… and had no idea Pat was.

I wonder if this means that Pat is on the socio/psychopath spectrum… or was just using me.

The people that really are paying the price for Pat’s choices are the kids (not my kids). I provided a stable living environment for them, after the chaos they were living in before Pat and I moved in together. Over the last three years, I got to see them really flourish in our stable environment, which Pat agreed with even after the breakup. I love them and miss them so much, and have heard they’re not doing well now. It really breaks my heart even more than Pat could.

Looking back on this, it seems that maybe Pat was making me look like the ‘bad guy’ to Val. There were a few times where I wanted to make sure Val understood what was going on, and Pat insisted they would explain it to Val instead of me doing it. I said OK, as I trusted Pat to do that. But Val expressed confusion later about it, which wouldn’t have happened if Pat actually communicated to Val what we had agreed. I never wanted Val to feel used or dismissed, which happened a few times even though Pat insisted they had explained everything to Val.

The takeaway from this:

This wasn’t poly. I don't really know what to call it, as I welcomed Val into our lives and happily gave them the 'keys to the kingdom' before I was ousted. 6 weeks is not enough time to establish a poly relationship from nothing. Hell, it’s probably still not enough time even once you’ve been in a poly relationship for a while and know what you’re doing.

Don’t take poly lightly. If you think there’s even a chance you might be poly, read up on it, talk to poly people and really explore it so that if this type of situation happens to you, you’re prepared with knowledge to build a poly relationship with.

Please, please, please, pay attention to all the red flags. Don’t ignore them like I did.