Why do we keep coming back to each other

In an ideal world, matters of the heart (and mending a broken one) would be black and white: Navigating a nasty breakup with the partner of your dreams would lead directly to a calm period of healing, self love, and lots of yoga. Shortly thereafter, love would reenter your life again—and it would be so much better this time around. But, let’s say there’s a guy from your past with whom you have great chemistry but who just “doesn’t want a relationship.” If he shows up (and he very well may), you’d walk away immediately, dignity intact, and never hear from him again. You’d then follow up this power move by finding someone who actually deserves you.

In the real world though, lust, love, and everything between tends to skew a lot messier. Memories of the girl who broke your heart years ago and the guy who claims he just can’t be in a relationship right now (despite calling, texting, and watching your Instagram stories) haunt the prospect of love that so many romantics earnestly chase.

Particularly in the case of the guy who keeps coming back even though he says he doesn’t want a relationship, interpreting the mixed signals can be incredibly confusing. And not giving into the temptation of giving things another go can feel near impossible. But also, like, why does he keep coming back if he doesn’t want a relationship? The situation can lead to sleepless nights, an inability to move on, and constantly beating yourself up about the whole thing. Not so happily ever after, huh?

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So, what’s with these mixed signals, anyway? Let’s take a closer look at what could be going on—and what to do about it.

Why does he keep coming back if he doesn’t want a relationship? Here’s a deep dive into the mixed signals:

1. issues with Personal connection

When someone says they don’t want to be in a relationship, it’s easy to take the statement personally. Somehow when those words leave the mouth of the person speaking them, they shape-shift from their original meaning into you hearing that you’re not smart enough, attractive enough, funny enough…the list goes on and on. But according to relationship expert Linda Carroll, LMFT, it almost always has to do with the other person, and their own issues with connection.

“If he or she she says they don’t want the relationship, but they just can’t seem to let you go, there’s something much bigger going on here.” —Linda Carroll, LMFT

“If he or she she says they don’t want the relationship, but they just can’t seem to let you go, there’s something much bigger going on here,” Carroll says. “This is usually a statement about his or her connection issues more than anything else. This person won’t be able to be in a healthy relationship until he or she does some work on their own, like talking through childhood issues with a therapist. This person will probably need to look at how they learned about love they were younger—there’s probably a lot there.”

2. They just got out of a relationship

Anyone who’s had trouble moving on from an ex, despite giving the situation their earnest best efforts, knows how difficult it can be to fully commit to a subsequent someone special. And if the person who keeps coming back was recently in a serious relationship, that might explain a lot about why the actions and words aren’t quite matching up. “This person may just need more time to move on from their last relationship, especially if it was a serious one,” Carroll says.

3. The attraction is there, but that’s where it ends

I know, I know: This is a tough one to swallow. But sometimes, a potential suitor is truly and honestly attracted to you, but they still don’t see you as “the one.” This can go beyond the physical attraction, too: They may enjoy spending time with you, and find you funny and charming and the whole nine yards. But still, you’re not someone they want to fully commit to for one reason or another.

4. Commitment issues

Past trauma can be a huge indicator that explains commitment issues. This might mean someone was broken up with unexpectedly or something awful happened in a past relationship. Whatever the cause, it has led the person to a situation that makes embarking on subsequent relationships difficult, Carroll says. “In that case, the thought of diving into something new with their full heart can be terrifying.”

While people certainly can change, Carroll says that the idea of someone doing a total 180 is unlikely. “It’s kind of like asking someone who has a nasty temper if they will ‘come around’ and stop exploding at the drop of a hat. Yes, they can learn to manage it, but they will need intention, willingness, guidance, and practice. And it takes a long time,” says Carroll.

So, what can you do if someone from your past is back in your life—but doesn’t want a full-blown relationship? Quite a lot—here are a few options.

Right now, you can probably only see the situation from your own perspective: You’re in a constant state of confusion and anxiety trying to figure out why this person, who says they don’t want a relationship, keeps coming back, over and over again. According to Carroll, though, seeing the situation from the other person’s perspective can provide enough strength to walk away.

So let’s say you’re the other person: If you see someone as disposable and are willing to let them go, it may mean you don’t have it in you to give your whole heart to them. Once you can understand this POV, the other person and the situation you’re in together may automatically become less attractive to you.

2. Ask yourself why you aren’t treating yourself with more compassion

Someone once told me that if I spoke to others the way I speak to myself, I probably wouldn’t have many if any friends. So if you’re in a tough situation like this one, start by treating yourself with more compassion (and, really, always work to treat yourself with more compassion). “Ask yourself, what am I doing to myself by being in this?” Carroll says. “Am I holding on to a fantasy?”

By prioritizing yourself and your own happiness, you’ll be more equipped to make great choices.

3. Talk to a therapist or another mental-health professional

There’s no doubt that being in a situation like this can be extremely taxing. And according to Carroll, continuing to participate in it can signal that you still have some issues of your own to work out. Therapy is an excellent way to sort through any complicated feelings you may have around relationships. Participating can help you figure out how to extract yourself in a way that feels healthy and empowering.

4. Have an open, honest conversation

Holding onto hope that someone will change is a slippery slope—especially if you haven’t yet had an open, honest conversation with the other person. So, give it a try. You may learn a lot, and if they promise to start working on themselves, hey—that’s a good sign that things might be moving in the right direction.

Being in an on-again, off-again relationship with someone who just can’t commit can be incredibly confusing and anxiety-inducing, and often it can feel there’s no end in sight—certainly not a happily ever after one. But there’s a lot you can do to be an active participant in the story—so get started today.

After you end things for good, try giving exposure therapy a shot for helping you to get over your ex once and for all. Or, go all in and just take a dating sabbatical to focus on yourself.

We were a case of forbidden fireworks that never should have been lit up, but then we set the midnight sky ablaze and our worlds were suddenly bathed in a luminescent, psychedelic glow, so brilliant that we were blinded by the spectacle, so exhilarating that all our senses were awakened, and we burned ourselves, again and again, because the high that came with it was so addicting that it eclipsed all reason.

But, as I said, we never should have been set on fire.

Because in the aftermath of the spectacle and the high came the dust and darkness. In the final explosion, we plummeted to the ground, burned and blackened. And once we hit rock bottom, that’s the only time we realized that the high wasn’t worth the mess.

But then for reasons we can never comprehend, we just always wind up back in each other’s arms, time and again. We are drawn to each other like magnets, even though we know very well that nothing good ever comes out of us being together, even as friends.

How many times have I hurt you? How many times have you disappointed me? And yet, we force this so-called friendship; we try to develop a new, different kind of relationship, something more solid than before, you said.

But, regardless of the amount of effort we put into it, no matter how much we try to be patient and understanding with each other, this bond that we try so hard to forge and strengthen just cracks and breaks, even under the slightest pressure. It just blows up in our faces every time, and then we’re back again to square one.

Maybe this is fate telling us that we should stop trying. Maybe it’s time for us to stop fixing whatever we have and just leave the broken pieces on the floor because we get burned and scarred every time we try. Maybe we should just let go of the idea that we could even be friends, after everything that happened.

Because even if we both agreed to move on from the pain and start fresh, even if we try to steer the conversation away from the subject, the wounds of the past still somehow bleed into the present, staining the pages of this new chapter and putting a strain on this friendship that we’re building.

We are creating new memories, yes, but then even the slightest problem or issue just triggers our old monsters to resurface, and before we know it, we are once again baring our fangs at each other. We lose our temper over the smallest arguments because our fights stem from old wounds and issues. No matter how much we try to bury our shit, the stench of decay is just too overpowering, and we can’t keep ignoring the fact that this will continue to affect us for as long as we are seeing each other.

I do believe in the saying “out of sight, out of mind” because when I moved away and we stopped communicating for a few months, I almost healed from the trauma caused by our relationship. Almost. But then I returned and we saw each other again and started to strike a “friendship” once more, in hopes that this time around, we’ll do things right because we’ve already “moved on” and burned the old book.

But here we are, a few months later, and we’re still not making it right. Not even close. In moments of vulnerability, when we’re alone and our music is playing and we’ve had too much wine, my fingertips still automatically reach up to trace your chin as your lips curve into a smile and we still cuddle like lovers and kiss each other goodbye or hello on the lips like it’s a habit we can’t get rid of.

It’s these moments, these simple things, that keep reminding me of what we once were, and there’s always a glimmer of hope in me that maybe someday, at the end of the road, it’s going to be us after all. Maybe we’d still end up together, after the turbulence. And so armed with these thoughts, I always go to battle and fight for us, day after day, even though we always end up in ruins.

Maybe it’s also the familiarity that keeps us going back, the thought that it’s always easier to reignite an old flame than to start something new with a stranger. But the truth is, it’s double the difficulty and triple the heartache if we keep returning to the root of all our pain, because by doing so, we are nurturing old wounds while trying to start on a clean slate at the same time. And this is the very reason we would never heal.

We won’t be able to fully recover from the trauma of the past if we’re still standing on the same battleground where we were first destroyed, if we’re still playing with the same fire that burned us in the first place. It’s like reliving the horror, over and over. It’s like trying to befriend the pain, hoping we’d be immune to it, when even the slightest touch can tear the wounds open again. No one is capable of healing this way.

I always say I won’t come back to you, but I do the opposite all the time. Tomorrow, tonight, a few hours from now, as I write this, I know that I’d pick up my phone and call you, and you’d do the same. That’s why I left again. Because I can’t keep on seeing you and saying good morning every freaking day like it’s nothing. We can’t fully heal if we’re still moving in the same world.

Tomorrow, tonight, maybe a few weeks from now, I know that I’d be able to find the courage to completely cut ties with you. Someday, somehow, I’d be brave enough to burn all bridges connecting me to you because I’m tired of crossing back and forth between the past and present. Maybe one day, I’d wake up and find that not all roads lead back to you.

Time. I’m giving myself time. Someday, somehow, I’d be able to complete my recovery process and finally let you go.

They say that there are some wounds that even time cannot heal, and I agree because time didn’t heal us. But I believe that’s only because we didn’t give time a chance to do its work; we plunged right back in and forced it. And that’s why the wounds were cut afresh even before they healed.

I have faith that we will get there one day. But we have to walk the road to healing alone. For now, I will slowly try to unravel myself from you and sever all ties binding my heart to your hands.

Maybe this time around, I will finally do things right.