Do you think it was true love if you can't forget someone after 9 years? I've read dozens of blogs on the internet that say "You'll forget your ex after however many months". Some say a month, two months, a year, 3 years, whatever. But I think about my ex everyday and it's been more than 9 years now. Why can't I get this guy out of my head? I've tried everything, to getting rid of all of his things, to having a little "ceremony" where I told him goodbye (I also read this on the internet that it helps. I've dated other men, but have never been able to find true happiness since I was with "the one".
Let me tell you about him. We were in love in high school and halfway through college. We never fought, and he was so passionate. Everything in our world was heavenly. We talked about marriage, but nothing official. He then transferred to a university that was a few states away from me. At first we called, but slowly we just lost contact. My parents were never crazy about him, so at the time I didn't pursue it and basically let him go. Now it's nine years later and I have missed him everyday.
I have just found out through a mutual friend that he has just moved back close to my town, but he has a girlfriend. My first instinct is try to go see him, but I really don't want to do anything to upset his life. Why can't I just forget and move on? I want so badly just to forget him - remove him from my heart and memory. What is wrong with me?
#2
Guest
12 years ago
Any advice would be appreciated.
#3
Teddy
12 years ago
That's a tough one...if it really is true love then you should just want him to be happy. I've never been a fan of interfering in relationships...but I think you are allowed to try and be his friend. If there is someway to catch up without letting him know you want to rekindle the love you had 9 years ago...that would be the path I would go.
If you two were meant to be with each other, he will still have thought about you, and things will work themselves out depending on how happy he is in his current relationship.
If he hasn't thought about you at all in the last 5 years...would you really want to risk upsetting a happy relationship?
#4
Guest
12 years ago
Thank you for the advice Teddy. No, I don't want to interfere with his current relationship. All I want to do is see how he's doing. Do you think if I were to contact him he would automatically assume I want to get back together?
I just can't help wondering if he's thought about me too. I realize that we both let things go, he eventually stopped calling me, but I also did not call him either. So it's just as much my fault as it is his. Maybe he thought I dumped him? I don't know what to think anymore. If he is truly happy with this other girl, then maybe it would be easier to let go.
I am just so sick of my heart being stuck in the past. I seem to not be able to move on. But I want to. Do you think that maybe the only way to move on is to go see him or contact him?
#5
Guest
12 years ago
Am I just crazy for not being able to forget about him?
#6
Guy
12 years ago
Contact him and have your questions answered.
#7
dmjord
12 years ago
9 years is a very long time. how long were you together? i've heard it can take twice as long as the relationship lasted for you to completely forget him. have you tried dating other people? when you did your ceremony, did you get rid of everything that reminded you of him? including putting all your pictures and videos of him in a box?
i agree that you can try being friends with him again, just be careful and don't contact him too much. no more than once a couple weeks at first. if he wants to talk to you, he should start contacting you as well. but if a few months go by and only you do the contacting, you need to let it go and live your life because as sad as it is, he's no longer looking to you for a relationship and you should just wish him the best.
#8
Guest
12 years ago
To answer all of your questions dmjord, we were together a total of 3 yrs. He was my first everything, although he had already been with other girls. I have dated other men. Even got serious with a couple, but I always missed that "magic" I had with him. The weakness in the knees, the pounding heart, the joy that you feel when you hear his voice or see his face. I never felt like that with any other man.
In the little ceremony I did, I gathered up a couple of t-shirts I had, and an old jacket and got rid of them. I also threw away all his old letters to me and a few miscellaneous pictures. In my mind I told myself I needed to move on and had a very long cry. The only thing I did not get rid of were the prom pictures and some pictures of a trip we took, I'm not sure why I saved them but I just could not bring myself to throw away everything. It's hard to completely forget him because so many things remind me of him. The kind of vehicle he drove, the hat he always wore (which is still popular today), the style of clothes. When I see these items, it always reminds me of him.
The truth is that he was sort of a rebel, and my parents strongly disliked him. When we started to drift apart, I listened to them that maybe it was for the best. I felt they must know more than me, but they didn't know what was in my heart, and at the time I don't think I realized just how deeply I loved him. At the time I felt fine and confident in my decision to let him go, but with each passing year I find myself regretting that decision more and more. Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought of him.
I've been trying to think of different ways to contact him, what to say, etc. What would you say after 9 yrs?
#9
LOLO
12 years ago
I know how you feel because i had similar experience , my advise to you , you lost him once DON"T let this happen to you again , the best way is to know where he <email> and go close to his place , pretend that you saw him by Happenstance , you didn't plan for it , then show him how happy you feel that you saw him , after having a chat with him , give him your phone number , if he is really still interested he will call you ,and everything will start from that point! if not , you have to forget him and UNDERSTAND THAT he doesn't have any feeling toward you anymore .GOOD LUCK 😎
#10
Sakura
12 years ago
Well, if you really do like him, then you should try to be happy as long as he's happy. Have you ever heard of the quote:
"If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, they were yours. If they don't, they never were."
Try and think about that. Maybe it'll help.
#11
Guest-Can't stop ...
12 years ago
So what happened? I have the same problem, except I'm a man and she's the one I'm madly in love with. We were together for three years and it's been 2yrs since we broke up. I've tried to get back with her, but she's moved on. It hurts like hell, because she was "the one" All those feelings you described above are the ones I had. I've tried to move on and date other women, but the spark isn't there. I can't stop thinking about her and it really hurts! Why can't I stop thinking about her?!
#12
jo
12 years ago
😄
just lsugh out loud.theres nothing you could do about it but move onwe have the same story.
#13
angie
12 years ago
You need to. stop thinking of him. Trust me he has move on wth his life. No matter what your friends are saying to you. He is where he wants to be single or in a relationship. The point is he doing whatever without you. You are cheating yourself give other people a chance. If your ex was the perfect guy why have you waited nine years for him. Your not facing the truth and you are hurting yourself. Nine years is a long time to be without your truelove. My point is open yourself to someone else.
#14
Anastacia
12 years ago
Hi, I was in condition like this about 6 years, but the thing is that my ex had never promissed me something or more, I just mooved the city and that was it!
So, the point is, that I wanna say to you - before you think about him, you just don't let the new people(men) come into your life, you live in past - that ain't right!the time that you live in had gone away forever!it won't ever be back........and he won't be be back also....so now there is only you, your life and your happiness that just can't come to you because of your thoughts about the things that you don't have to think about!Let it go. Just let it go.
#15
Anastacia
12 years ago
Hi, I was in condition like this about 6 years, but the thing is that my ex had never promissed me something or more, I just mooved the city and that was it!
So, the point is, that I wanna say to you - before you think about him, you just don't let the new people(men) come into your life, you live in past - that ain't right!the time that you live in had gone away forever!it won't ever be back........and he won't be be back also....so now there is only you, your life and your happiness that just can't come to you because of your thoughts about the things that you don't have to think about!Let it go. Just let it go.
#16
KC
12 years ago
Very curious how things worked out for you... in a similar situation and wondering what to do.
#17
Anastacia
12 years ago
Hi, KC! I guess you have to let go all your thoughts about your ex, whatever how hard it is 4 you!!!Hurt and pain takes a lot of time, but in the end if you fight and get strong, you'll be only thakfull for the experience.........
#18
SomeDude
11 years ago
How did things work out for you? After 9 years, I don't think you're going to forget him. It's been much longer than that for me and I've come to the realization that I will just have to live with it. I know that I'll be 65+ years old and think of her. It may subside for a period of time, but something may trigger it, like it my case recently when I seen a picture of her appear on Facebook; I've been thinkinig about her everyday for the past 2 weeks now. I wish I never checked and I wish I never asked her out 25 years ago.
Good luck with youself and if for some reason you got back with him, I wish you the very best that it works out because for some of us, there is only one.
#19
fifi
11 years ago
hallo
i was meroed for 13 years &i love him very much but he live me &meried anather woman.me i can not forget him what can i do.HELP ME.
o
#20
Susie Q
11 years ago
Its been 10 years for me,and I havent been able to forget as well.. maybe thats the reason I'm here, writing on this post. I feel like a Psycho not being able to forget little things around him.. I think about him a 100 times a day - in the middle of a meeting, eating, sleeping - so much, that i think i'm going crazy. I'm in touch with him..he doesnt understand - asks me to move on..but HOW THE HELL DO I DO THAT, is what I dont understand !
Mine was just a fling(maybe thats why he doesnt understand), but only later I understood over all these years how much i loved him. I'm married, have a kid, feel guilty all the time, but **** this heart that feels so much. I wish i could format it somehow. But, learned to live with it.. I know it'll stay..I've read/watched 'Bridges of Madison County' and read the book 'Love in the times of Cholera'... its fiction, but it happens - with us..
Maybe its just true love that'll never have a story. But still somewhere down there, I cherish the extreme emotions I have.
My only problem is - how do I balance the past memories which have become fantasies with a real life that i'm not really living.
@Somedude: I find myself prepared for that situation... will have to live with it... maybe for another 75 years..who knows...
#21
Never forget
11 years ago
Contact him. Otherwise you will never know. He may not have moved on like you think he has. If he is not married there is no reason you cannot contact him. But if he says no then take peace with that.
Don't let this one go; and know you are not alone.
When our souls meet the ones we are meant to be with our souls never forget.
#22
Guest
11 years ago
Just curious, are you a man? Because if you are, I will put more weight into doing what you have just suggested.
#23
Guest
11 years ago
The question if "you are a man" is to "Never forget."
#24
Heartbreaker
11 years ago
I can relate to everyone one of you that wrote here. It's only been 2 years for me and I should say a year because we still saw each other after the break up and cried and talked and made out, but he still moved on. Right now he's dating and I have never even kissed someone else since we broke up. It hurts to know that he may even get married one day and I still care for him so much. He said that people never get over a break-up. It may be how he sees it, not dwelling in the past and living in the now. I don't know whether I'll love anyone the way I loved him and that hurts me. I think of him every day and I even had bad dreams about meeting him and talking to him about us. I don't know when it will all end for me, but I hope and pray it happens soon. I thought he was the one, but I guess he doesn't feel the same way---cuz here I am saying how I feel about someone who broke up with me 2 years ago.
#25
Understanding
11 years ago
I completely understand your situation. I lived with a guy for 8 years...but we broke up 14 years ago and I still think about him EVERYDAY. I gave up trying to forget him and the life we had together. I now believe there are some people you love forever. I have had several long-term relationships, but he is the only one I can't forget. I have also stopped trying to explain it to other people...they simply tell me to move on, which is a waste of words. Like losing someone through death, you have to go on living despite your loss...you may not be with them, but you can go on living. I know this is not the "all rainbows and sunshine" answer that many people think is helpful...but it is reality. Sometimes you lose the love of your life. However, I do believe it was meant to be. I can live with that. I can also live with loving him and missing him everday. Maybe this will help you if you know that others feel the same way. Don't try to stuff it-write about it. Don't try to not feel it-go ahead and cry. It does get easier...but we just can't forget. My reply to you is honesty and truth, not platitudes and easy answers. People would be astonished that this is my truth...I'm a very upbeat person. But I lost the love of my life and I can't forget him. I am blessed to know that I knew how to love someone so deeply. I knew how to truly love someone. It's sad that he wasn't capable of it and I can't change that. I hope my story resonates with you. You are okay...you'll be okay...but don't force changing your heart. Embrace that you were capable of real love.
#26
Confused Guest
11 years ago
Just noticed your original post was over a year and a half ago - is it correct to assume that you still have not made contact with him? Is he still back in town? Is he even still with the GF from a year ago?
Have you seen him from afar?
9-years is a really long time, and in that time you may have built up a fantasy-version of him that nobody can compare with (not even him). I think it is VERY important that you see him and maybe dispell some of the fantasy so that you can get back to reality.
I say this because his looks and personality have no doubt changed quite a bit. You need to see him for who he is now, not back then when you were younger.
Summary: Meet the reality and lose the fantasy - then you can move on.
And if I am wrong and he is exactly like he used to be (and hopefully now single) then go after him!
#27
Melody
11 years ago
I totally agree with u. Thank u for sharing the truth (the reality) with everybody. When you accept the fact that even though u have lost him, but u can live with it, it makes thigs easier. rather than trying to go againt your heart and trying to force urself to forget.
I am in the same situation and I am starting to believe that I was the one capable to love. I should accept it. and cry whenever i want to and laugh whenever I can. That's life.
My relationship was a 2.5 year relationship and it has been one year since the break up. had 2 more relationships after him but the only person i think about most of the itme is him.
anyways, I read somewhere that acceptance is the key to stopping a bad habit. I am not saying that it's a bad habit to cry and not to be bale to move on. but To accept, makes us become ready to forget/heal ourselves.
What I read was:" if u were a drug addict and haven't used drugs for the last 10 years, you hsouldn't say I am not an addict. u should say: I'm an addict who hasn't used drugs for the last 10 years. That way, u will not go towards drugs . But the minute u say I am not an addict anymore (in our case, saying I 've completely moved on), u will start using drugs soon after (in our case, we will start thinknig baout him/checking where he is/what he's doing).
Peace😊
#28
Istilllovehim
11 years ago
Even married now... I still cry for him some nights and it's been 9 years. I'm so glad I hit this forum because now I can vent a bit... I've dated, other guys, and even married, but no one ever came close to the connection I had with him. This is one that I regret the most. I even thought if I got married, it would end these thoughts of him, but they remain. My advice to you is... Once he's married, then that's it. A girlfriend is just a girlfriend until he's tied the knot. If he doesn't feel the same anymore for you, then atleast that you will know. But, you won't know that until you've made communication with him.
I think the hardest for me was seeing online that he is married now. And so you move on you think... Outside I have. I mean I'm not moping around being depressed because I'm a very good actor. But at night, when my days end, internally, and quietly, I am crying.☹️. To think that he did come back one last time giving me a chance to see him and didn't at the time because I honestly thought he wasn't going anywhere. I am fortunate though to have known what this so called "true love" and "soulmate" thing is now. If I can go back in time to have seen him when I should have. If only I knew that was my last chance to see him, in a heartbeat, I'd change what is today. But I didn't, and I assumed he was going to keep waiting for me and he didn't. He was indeed the only one I had that unexplained connected "ness". Now all I have of him are memories and regrets...
#29
fujima
11 years ago
it's the same with my case.. though it's only been 9 months since my break up. we've been together for almost 3 years and then a month before our anniversary he broke up with me, saying we're no good for each other.
i was devastated. really didn't know what to do..
tried everything just to forget... but still, the feeling lingers.. everyone says move-on but i don't know why i can't. i know we both have our share of mistakes and failures.. he did things i didn't like, i did my share of things he didn't like.. but to tell you the truth, i couldn't care less.. i still can't find reasons to HATE him..
now he has someone new.. someone who is making him happy.. it's very saddening for me to know that i'm not his happiness anymore... makes me wanna cry and mop around..
i even moved to another country just to get over him but still.. no avail
before we communicate through mobile, now i have my own computer, we sometimes chat, that's how we communicate... i'm happy for him that he's happy now.. but still wish that i'm the one who's making him happy.. it's hard.. very hard.
what to do? when the one who can stop you from crying is the one making you cry?
what to do?
#30
Baron A.
11 years ago
All I did was read your question, I did not want to be biased by the other input, so this is my input. No one can put a time on memory, people will forget because of the impact the person has on them, in your case this guy made a significant impact and touched you in a very deep way. Nothing is wrong with the memory of him, but to hold on to a memory is not helping you to move on, and you are in control of whether you move on or stay.
You can put memories into perspective, but to allow it in manipulating your mood and the present is certainly not healthy. Why other guys are not pleasing you is because you are comparing them with a memory.
Love is a principle, not a feeling or a memory, it is action, it has to be seen and felt, so I know you are not in love with him after 9 years. You will not upset him if you call him up and have dialogue with him, not doing so will only keep you at this place. I can guarantee that after meeting him you will say, 'he has changed and why was I holding on to him'.
Call him up, and then store the memory and move on with your life.