Holidays are often a time of strengthening family bonds and relationships. But for those who have difficult relationships with siblings, parents and extended family, it can be a stressful and upsetting time. We asked Kristina Scharp to explain why family relationships sometimes break down – and some things to consider when talking to those in this situation. Show What is family estrangement?Family estrangement occurs when at least one family member intentionally distances themselves from at least one other family member because of a negative relationship – or the perception of one. Research suggests that at least 27% of adults experience family estrangement that either they or another family member initiates. This means that almost 70 million people in the United States report being estranged from a family member. What family estrangement is notAs a researcher dedicated to understanding relational distancing, one of the most common questions people ask me is, “What counts as family estrangement?” Perhaps the confusion comes from a common misconception that estrangement is a particular event or outcome. My research shows that family estrangement is a process, one that is ongoing and varies in degree. Put simply, family estrangement is a continuum where it is more accurate to characterize people as more or less estranged, as opposed to estranged or not estranged. Estrangement is voluntary. This means that at least one person desired the distance as opposed to a situation where a third party intervened, like the foster care system or criminal justice system. Estrangement is intentional. The distance between family members was not an accident or an instance of people losing touch. Estrangement is often based on ongoing issues. It is less likely that family members suddenly decide they want distance. Rather, people report a long history of conflict and negativity. Nevertheless, there are some instances when estrangement can be more sudden. For example, sometimes parents might reject a child if they come out as LBGTQ. Estrangement occurs because of a perceived negative relationship. People do not simply desire distance without reason. Research suggests that reasons are typically severe – abuse, neglect and substance issues, for example. Even if the family members disagree about what has happened or the state of their relationship, at least one person perceives the relationship as negative. Taken together, estrangement is a distinct process from other instances when family members might find themselves distanced, as is the case with adoption, military deployment and migration. One related but distinct concept is parental alienation. Although the outcome of estrangement and alienation looks similar, the reasons for distance are different. Parental alienation occurs after divorce, when one parent intentionally harms the relationship their child has with the other parent. Nevertheless, both estrangement and alienation are major family disruptions. How do people accomplish and maintain distance?When I began researching family estrangement, my primary question pertained not only to what estrangement was but also how people made it happen. Based on my research, adult children who distanced themselves from their parents described eight characteristics of estrangement: • Communication quantity: The extent to which adult children communicate with their parents. • Communication quality: The extent to which that communication is meaningful. • Physical distance: The extent to which parents and children physically distance from one another. • Presence/absence of emotion: The extent to which adult children feel emotion when thinking about their parent/estrangement. • Positive/negative effect: The extent to which those emotions are positive and/or negative. • Reconciliation/desire to be a family: The extent to which adult children hope to reconcile. • Role reciprocity: The extent to which family members behave and care for one another in expected ways. • Legal action: The extent to which adult children have taken any legal action against their parents, like emancipation, name change or changes to legal documents. When considering these questions, one of the most important things to remember is that not everyone wants the same amount of communication, proximity and emotion. Thus, I like to think about estrangement as the gap between a person’s lived reality, as it pertains to the eight characteristics, and what their preferences would be if they had an ideal relationship. Lessons learnedAlthough research into family estrangement is still burgeoning, here are some of the most important takeaways from my systematic research program: • Estrangement is stressful and stigmatizing. Many people discuss not wanting to talk about their estrangement because they fear negative reactions from others. If an estranged person decides to disclose the circumstances surrounding their estranged relationship, I encourage people wanting to provide support to refrain from immediately expressing sorrow or recommending a reconciliation. Rather, consider asking them how they feel about the distance. • Estrangement can be a healthy solution to an unhealthy environment. Often, estrangement can be a productive way for people to eliminate a toxic relationship. Just because people are biologically related does not guarantee a loving and supportive relationship. Sometimes, gaining distance is necessary for a person’s emotional and/or physical safety. • Maintaining distance can be even harder than accomplishing it. Because we live in a culture where “families are forever,” people not only have to accomplish distance but also maintain it. This maintenance is often a heavy burden, not only because people consistently recommend unwanted reconciliations but also because of both media representations of family and internalized feelings about familial obligation. Thus, even though estrangement can be a positive change for someone, it is nevertheless a difficult one. Despite what scholars have begun to learn about family estrangement, there is an incredible amount of research still to be done. In conducting it, we might learn more about different perspectives, different catalysts for distance and the outcomes associated with it. [Like what you’ve read? Want more? Sign up for The Conversation’s daily newsletter.]
Posted in: Podcast, You & Your Family, Young Adults Topics: Child + Adolescent Development, Relationships Intro music written and performed by Dr. Gene Beresin. In the past when children went off to college or left home, parents needed to adjust to living as “empty nesters.” The expectation was that this was the way life would continue. But in a major economic and social shift, a significant number of these parents must adapt to the fact that adult children are returning home without a job and means of income—they have no other place to go. In 1980, 1 in 10 post-graduates moved back home; now, 4 in 10 move back after graduation. A recent survey of college seniors found that 85% expect to move back home after graduation. For some parents, this move is initially welcome. Many miss their kids, and long to resume the closeness they previously had. For others, perhaps the majority, it’s a real burden on a lifestyle they developed when their adult kids were out on their own. In either case, parents now need to make a big adjustment. And, so do their kids, who had finally left home and relished in their independence and autonomy. Often for these children and their parents, moving back home for an extended period of time can be seen as a setback. How can families learn to handle the unexpected emotional, financial and practical challenges of this “new normal” shift? Case Example: At first when Bobby planned to move home after college until he found a job and could support himself, the entire family was thrilled to be able to spend time together again. It was assumed that since Bobby had been a hard-working, successful student, landing a “good job” would happen once he put in some effort. Three years later, Bobby still lives at home, and his situation seems far from ideal. His parents, who initially loved the idea of being able to help their son during his brief transitional time, now have mixed feeling about his extended stay. After all, they have their own retirement concerns, and they need to save more money to help pay for their old age. And, they shelled out quite a bit for Bobby’s college education, and have since assumed new debt. Bobby now has a part-time restaurant job that generates some spending money, but his work as a waiter hardly requires a college education. He does not receive benefits in eIIn the service industry, so his folks have added him to their health plan. His mother, Judy, worries that her son seems discouraged, and may not be putting in sufficient effort in his job search. To get his college degree, Bobby took out a substantial student loan, which his parents had to co-sign—they are now paying off that loan with modest (if any) help from Bobby. His mother wonders how long Bobby’s “under employment” can last? Although Bobby will help out by buying some groceries, his parents’ expenses have gone up since he moved back home. He continues to use their car insurance, and they fund his cell phone bill, not to mention other miscellaneous expenses. His parents have started gently asking him to explain where all his waiter wages have gone. His father, Peter, does not want to make an issue out of the family finances, but he has begun to resent that their retirement savings is not being adequately funded with Bobby living at home. And, when Bobby goes out at night to hang with his friends, Judy and Peter become especially angry. Why isn’t he taking a second job? Why isn’t he hammering away on the computer, searching for anything that could develop into a career? What are his priorities—friends, family, or work? Bobby appreciates that at least he has a place to live, and that his relationship with his parents has been pretty good. But lately he has reverted to old behavior, and so have his parents. He leaves clothes around the house, leaves his dirty dishes after a late night round of videogames with friends, and his room, which was once spanking clean when he was away, is now nothing short of chaos. Peter and Judy never worried about Bobby when he was in college. Now, they can’t sleep if he isn’t home at a reasonable hour, and wonder whether they should be calling or texting him at 2am. The honeymoon is over, and spats between Bobby and his parents are more frequent. And, Peter and Judy, who were previously pretty content, are now starting to argue with one another, taking turns defending or condemning Bobby. In short, the previously serene household has become increasingly more tense. Bobby feels like a 25-year-old man who is repeating life in high school. The freedom that he was entitled to during college is now up for negotiation. Mom starts asking about why he comes home late at night. Dad’s not-so-subtle comments about he and Judy having to live in a tent during their retirement years adds to the conflict. Bobby sees that some of his peers go out every night, so he feels his more modest social expenditures are reasonable. Judy and Peter do not want their son living on the street, and agree he should be able to stay as long as needed; but, Bobby feels both guilty and a bit resentful. What is clear is that Peter and Judy had an easier go of it when they graduated college. While they want to help, they can’t help wondering if Bobby likes being dependent on them. Let’s look at the concerns of parents and adult children in this situation: Parent Concerns:
Adult Child Concerns:
Now understanding the concerns that both parents and adult children feel in this situation, let’s now explore a few possible solutions. Possible Solutions:
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