The reason why we cant let go of someone is because deep inside we still hope

“Even if it seems like it’s taking too long for what we want to arrive, it’s better to stay with the ache than abandon the desire.” ~Danielle Laporte

Last week when I was in the front row of a yoga class, I moved my hips up and back into downward dog, and through my legs saw the top of my ex boyfriend’s head. I hadn’t seen in him months, and I wasn’t really interested in having small talk with the man who’d crushed my heart.

He approached me, eyes shining, happy to see me. I, on the other hand, drove home, walked into my apartment, and sat on the bed for a good cry.

I cried because when I saw him all of the love came rushing back in and because he didn’t seem to have a clue how much he’d hurt me. So I found myself considering reaching out again.

Should I write him an email so he knows how much he’s hurt me? Should I get coffee with him and fill him in on everything he seems to not understand?

My mind was moving into “fix it” mode, my habitual state. It’s a controlling tendency, something that has kept me in back and forth relationships for most of my life.

You see, I have had many opportunities to learn the lesson of letting go throughout my life. People I loved have died, friends have vanished, and men have come and gone. Every single time I have had the opportunity to let go I have fought it.

We fight letting go because we’re afraid. We’re afraid of what’s on the other side.

First we’re afraid of the pain we’re going to have to face when we let go, and then we’re afraid that things won’t be okay. We’ll never find love again. No one will ever be as good. The pain will never stop. we’re unlovable.

When I was going through the devastating first weeks of my breakup, I kept getting the same message over and over again: You are being cleared out for something amazing to come in. Deep inside me, buried quietly under the overwhelming heartache, was my soul nodding yes.

I have actively faced my pain over and over again these past few months.

I know that to heal we have to be with our feelings so we can release them. I cried more than I ever have in my life. I went deeper into my darkness than ever before. I saw the unworthiness I felt and all the fears. I was braver than I’ve ever been.

Because of that bravery I’m connected to my soul in a completely new way. Instead of just hearing it, I am fully abiding by it.

My soul is telling me clearly that it’s time for me to get what I deserve in life, and the only thing that has been holding me back is myself.

I have been making choices that aren’t serving my highest self. I have dated men who were not capable of holding space for a strong, passionate, big-hearted woman. It has felt easier to fall in love and to keep giving chances than it has been to say no and hold out for a partner who is right for me.

I desire a relationship with a man who I can deeply connect with. Who gets me. Who can open his heart as big as I can open mine. Who won’t run away because he’s afraid. Who can hold space for me to live in my power just as I will hold space for him.

I desire an incredible partnership that is mutual and trusting and loving and joyful and honest.

And I deserve it. I am finally waking up to the fact that I deserve that kind of love.

I am finally waking up to the fact that if I want to have that kind of love, then I need to do things differently. I have to listen to my soul and choose to give myself what I deserve. I have to allow that man into my life.

So the aching, it’s worth it. It’s worth it for a little bit longer while the right person finds his way to me. It’s worth it so I can learn more about myself.

There are times when it’s your turn to take responsibility, to be the one to reach out and make amends. But if you’re on the Can’t Let Go Bandwagon like me, you probably need to delete that email, put the phone down, and bring the focus back to you.

When we find ourselves reaching out for someone else it’s usually a sign that we need to pause, take a deep breath, and ask ourselves what it is we deserve. Then we have to let go of the need to ask someone else to give that to us and give it to ourselves instead. That’s self-love. That’s self-respect.

We stay in unhealthy relationships because we don’t feel like we deserve anything more. We refuse to let go of exes because we don’t trust that someone better suited for us will come along. We reach outside of ourselves to feel better because we’re terrified of facing the pain.

The truth is that you can actually have what you truly desire. You can have the great love and whatever else your soul is yearning for. It just might show up in a different package than your mind is willing to accept right now.

When we have deep faith that everything is exactly as it needs to be, that the universe is supporting us, and that good things are coming, then we’re capable of letting go. We trust that it’s all going to work out.

If you want something greater for your life, pay attention to where you’re reaching outside of yourself. In those moments choose to pause and breathe. Ask yourself what you’re avoiding. Feel the pain you’re running from. Cry if you need to.

Embrace the pain and the fear and the hurt and love yourself through it all. That is your job, no one else’s.

Do this over and over again until you find yourself more and more free. Trust that everything is exactly as it needs to be. Be patient. Stay with the ache a little bit longer. Something big is coming your way.

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I believe that everyone goes through an experience in their life where they meet a person that leaves an imprint. For whatever reason this person is unforgettable, irreplaceable, and relentlessly ingrained in your mind. No matter what you do or how much time has passed or how many people you have dated since, they are still there. No matter if you are on good terms or bad terms, there is hardly a day you can remember that they have not crossed your mind. Even though you don’t quite need them anymore, you can’t get them out of your head.

For some reason, you cannot let this person go.

Letting them go would mean that you would allow yourself to forget about the impact they made on your life. Letting them go would mean that part of your life that you held onto so dearly would no longer exist. And just because they may not hold any importance to you any more, you still keep tabs on them – a conversation here and there, liking each other’s photos once in a while. You are “friends.” But oh, you are so much more. You are more than that because of the history that has built your relationship to this point.

Even when you are happy and have moved on from them, for whatever reason you don’t hesitate to check their Facebook page; you wonder if they are happy or you hope that they see that picture you posted. You can’t help but listen to that song that reminds you of them every once in a while. While you can’t help but think about how happy you are without them, they still linger. You have moved on, but part of them still sticks with you and you cannot explain why you care so much.

Sometimes you want to scream “Get out of my head!” or “Leave me alone!” And it works. You temporarily forget and they temporarily stop bothering you. This helps for a while, until you think to yourself that you just want to be back in their head. Or perhaps you are already in their head? What if they are thinking of you? What if we are both sitting here waiting for someone to say something? Waiting. Waiting on what, though? Nothing? Fate?

And even if you to talk, it is just a tease because you know that you are just are just in a standstill. You are stuck in some kind of warped and twisted friendship that can only be defined by the word “complicated”. Every message, every “like”, every random chance that they communicate with you is just a reminder that you somehow crossed their mind. Whether it is a random emoji at 2:00 a.m. or a full-out conversation to catch up on each other’s lives, you can’t help but wonder what they want with you. Why are they bothering you? Why are they keeping you around for silly conversation? What is the point if you have both moved on and are happy – why is it that you keep creeping into each other’s lives?

Even after all that has happened, you still ask yourself what is next. You wonder to yourself if  you will ever work it out. You don’t even want to be with them anymore, but you can’t just leave them behind.

Somewhere deep, deep inside you know it’s not over. There is no closure in the world that would allow you to let this just wash away from you that easily. You become with content with simply having them in your life as an acquaintance than to live life without them at all. You would rather always wonder and wait and wish, than to banish them from your head at all. But why even bother? Why allow someone to take up any space in your head for which they don’t deserve?

The reason why you can’t possibly get them out of your head can span for a variety of different reasons. But I believe that the one simple reason why you can’t possibly can’t let them go is because they made an impact. This person made such a lasting impression on you and letting them go would mean letting go of the growth and the memories and everything that they had given to you as either a learning experience or a gift or some kind of enlightenment. They made an impact so deep that it has changed your life. Whether it was for the better or worse, they managed to change some part of you that cannot go unchanged.

This person gave you a reason to believe in love and fate and sometimes you just have to hope that you will find someone else that will enlighten that feeling once again. The thing is, you will find someone that gives you love and gives you hope in fate and meaningful connection, but it will be different because everyone has a unique touch, a different impact, a special force that changes you. The person who will be your fate will make the biggest impact of all.

And while this old flame lingers around your head in your most vulnerable times – that is all they are. They are just lingering in space and time until someone who is worth your space and your time will change your life far beyond what you could imagine.