How to handle being in love with your best friend

Growing close enough to a person that they become one of your best friends requires a certain level of vulnerability. When you open yourself up to someone, you're already walking a fine line between loving them, and falling in love with them. But how do you know if you're truly in love with your best friend? What if you take a calculated risk, but end up ruining your friendship instead? This is a concern I once had myself.

My friendship with Mike began innocently: we were both creatives, struggling to adapt to a community that we felt stifled our innovative voices. We were extremely similar in our way of thinking, finishing both each other's sentences and internal dialogues. When I became aware of my attraction to him, I was conflicted about whether or not to confront him with my feelings: what if I was wrong? Not only had he just ended a long-distance, open relationship, but I was also terrified at the possibility of losing him as a friend.

Questioning your feelings for a best friend is completely OK, according psychotherapist and relationship expert Dr. Gary Brown. "You absolutely have to ask yourself if you want a romantic relationship," Dr. Brown says. "And if you're willing to potentially lose your friendship with them if it doesn’t work out."

If you find yourself wondering, Am I in love with my best friend? in order to be sure of your feelings, ask yourself the following six questions.

1 What Type Of Relationship Would You Have With Them?

Based on your knowledge of your best friend's life, consider the type of relationship they would like to engage in right now. Did they just go through a breakup and need a rebound? Are they dating multiple people and playing the field? Have they mentioned wanting to start something more serious? Consider whether or not their expectations of the future properly match yours. Make these considerations not just for their sake, but for yours. You may think you want to pursue something with them, but ultimately, if their priorities aren't in line with yours, you're both at risk of a letdown.

2 Are You Sure You Don't Just Want Something You Can't Have?

You know what they say: the grass is always greener. Before approaching the subject, make sure that you are truly in love with them, and not in love with the idea of them. Sometimes deeming someone as "off limits" only makes the prospective of the more exciting and desirable — but it's important to put it in perspective. "I don’t think you should necessarily assume that you and your best friend could not be in a romantic relationship," Dr. Brown says. "It isn’t necessarily forbidden." That said, if it feels forbidden, maybe examine whatever it is that's making you feel that way — is it a need for excitement, or is it rooted in something more genuine than that?

3 Is Your Attraction Just Physical, Or Is It Also Emotional?

OK, so maybe you're feeling a sexual spark between you and your best friend, but are you attracted to them on a psychological level as well? Make sure that you aren't acting on a chemical reaction, but instead, feelings on a more intimate, personality-based level. You can examine this by looking at your past relationships, or the last time you felt the same kind of "spark" — did it lead to something lasting when the spark was explored, or was it ultimately only about that attraction? Knowing yourself and your own tendencies can help guide you toward an answer.

4 Do You Trust Them?

With best friendship often comes great responsibility and a lot of history. Are you sure you can trust this person? Have they ever done anything in the past to break your trust or make you question their loyalty? These are important things to consider before taking your relationship one step further, but don't be too hard on your friendship. "Even in the very best of relationships — friendship or romantic — typically nobody can ever really trust anybody with all aspects of their life," Dr. Brown says.

5 How Will This Affect Your Friendship?

Is your friendship with this person strong enough to survive the shock of potential rejection? Ask if sharing this knowledge is something the two of you could recover from, if hypothetically, they do not feel the same way. "If the feelings are mutual, the two of you should absolutely talk about the benefits versus the potential downside in terms of what it would mean to transition into a romantic relationship," Dr. Brown says. That said, if the feelings don't turn out to be mutual, you have to be prepared to accept that — and you also have to be prepared to accept that they might need a little time to process what you told them, too.

6 Above All, Do They Make You Happy?

The most important thing to consider is how your best friend makes you feel on a daily basis. Do they empower you to be your best self? Do they support your most daring decisions? Do they make laugh during moments of self-doubt? "The real issue here is do you both make each other happy," Dr. Brown says. "If that’s the case, and you are romantically compatible." If the answer is yes, and they truly do lead to the happiest you, then you might very well be in love.

I ultimately decided take a leap of faith and tell Mike how I felt. When he revealed that he returned my feelings, I was elated. Although our relationship only lasted a few months, I am so glad I took the opportunity to explore our potential as a couple: because when you love someone, even if you're not 100 percent sure, there's nothing worse than living your life, asking yourself "What if?"

Experts:

Dr. Gary Brown, psychotherapist and relationship expert. http://www.drgarybrowntherapy.com/.

This article was originally published on Feb. 22, 2018

The best thing about having a romantic love for a person is when he/she is able to return the same feelings to you. But how about the ones who don’t? The ones who weren’t given back the love they have for a certain person. Surely, it’s heartbreaking. Falling into an unrequited love is like a nightmare and you wish you could wake up from it in an instant. And what is worse than that? It is your friend you have feelings for. A friend who’s always been your best buddy in good and rough times.

It’s a stage in our life where your endurance with this kind of pain and how you handle it are being put to test. Many people experience this, and yes, you’re not the only one facing this challenge. To get over this unrequited love for your friend, we have here 10 tips for you.

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1. Make sure your feelings are valid.

Having special feelings for someone whom you’ve been with for a long time leads you to the pit of confusion. Questions are circling in your head. You’ll be asking yourself what is it that you feel. Is this a real love or just a mere attachment? So, first and foremost, ensure that what you feel for that person is love and you want to have a romantic relationship with him/her. Make sure that you’re not just misinterpreting his/her care towards you because what you’re risking here is your friendship.

2. Allow yourself to grieve.

The pain of having an unrequited love for a friend is undeniable, knowing that what you feel is real. Loving someone who doesn’t love you back breaks your heart and worse, he/she is the one with whom you spent a lot of good memories. The best thing that you could do at the moment is to allow yourself to feel that pain. Scream. Cry as much as you like. Pour out the emotions that you’re trying to keep for a long time because it’s normal, there’s nothing wrong with that. Don’t mind the others who will try to stop you from doing it. It’s you who knows what you really feel inside.

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3. Put a distance between both of you.

Putting a space between you and the one you love doesn’t mean that you have to block him/her on your phone or entirely ignoring him/her. Keep in mind that this space will just protect you from hurting too much without completely pushing that someone away in your life. You could take some time off from hanging out with him/her or create excuses to not see him/her. This will actually help you in your healing process. This way, you’ll be more focused on other things especially with yourself.

4. Don’t blame yourself.

Being hurt will start to make you blame yourself for everything. You’ll begin to have doubts and insecurities. You may think that you aren’t good enough for him/her, even though you’ve been with each other for a long time, or tend to criticize them for not loving you back. Know that this is no one else’s fault. Not your friend’s and definitely, not yours.

5. Learn to love yourself more.

You should have some me-time, this will be the right time to focus on yourself and learn to love it even more. Have a new hobby or travel to that place you eagerly want to go to. Distracting yourself by doing the things you enjoy the most will give you the time to breathe in this heartbreaking moment. Take this bad experience as a lesson for you to take steps to become a better version of yourself.

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6. Meet new friends.

One of the things for you to overcome this kind of love towards your friend is to meet new people and befriend them. This will divert your thoughts on that matter. It will make you realize that you shouldn’t isolate your friendship to that certain person alone. Build a friendship with others so that the attachment will lessen and that you still have other friends to rely on.

7. Talk with someone about your feelings.

Have a talk with someone about what you feel and your thoughts. It could be a friend or someone from your family whom you can trust. It is also important to ask for pieces of advice from them on what you should do. It is better if he/she had the same love problem. No one could understand what you’re going through but the person who has been in your shoes before and successfully overcame the same thing.

8. Maintain your friendship.

Probably the worst thing that could happen for having an unrequited love for your friend is not the love being unreciprocated to you but losing him/her completely as a friend. Shattering the friendship you built for a long time is much more heartbreaking than being rejected.

To avoid reaching up to this extent, talk to him/her about your feelings. It will be for sure torture for you but there’s no way other than that. Express your feelings towards him/her but let him understand that you want to keep the friendship you have and as much as possible, maintain how you treat each other before. Your romantic love for him/her shouldn’t be a reason to break your bond as friends.

ALSO READ: 9 Inspiring Tips on How to Rekindle a Broken Friendship

9. Accept that your relationship is nothing more than a friendship.

Acceptance is the most important thing to do but also the toughest one. You must accept the fact that your relationship with each other will be nothing more than a friendship only. Since you grew romantic feelings for him/her while your friends, set borders in order to protect yourself from being hurt over and over. Respect these boundaries between the both of you to avoid crossing the line again and hinder your healing process.

Remember that love is not just about your own happiness. Sometimes it’s all about being happy for the person you love even if you’re not the reason behind it. If your friend doesn’t want to level up your friendship, respect that. Be happy no matter what his/her decision is.

ALSO READ: 8 Ways to Get Over Someone You Can’t Have

10. Believe that there is someone meant for you.

“Everything has a reason”. In many aspects of our lives, this could be applied. Just like love, if that certain friend isn’t into you, then someone out there is destined for you. Maybe, it’s not the right time for your paths to cross but eventually, you’ll get there. This happening in your life will help you to understand that in every failure or rejection, there are greater things that come along with it. And if you happen to meet the one who is meant for you, in the end, you’ll be grateful that you went through this phase.

Love is not always a give and takes process because, in reality, you can’t force someone to return back the love you have given to him/her. You must understand that not all things will work how we want them to be. Soon, this pain you are experiencing right now will fade and you can finally move on. Just believe that everything has a purpose and it’s for the best.