Do you ever feel like your relationships are stuck at a surface level? Show
Opening up for more emotional connections satisfies the human need for belonging and acceptance. But getting past those shallow conversations about work or the weather isn’t always easy. Here are 15 science-backed ways to improve your social interactions with better connections. Why are Connections Important?Deep human connections are vital for mental and physical health because they fulfill an innate human need to belong. Connected relationships allow you to open up, be authentic, and feel truly supported by those around you. If your relationships seem to be lacking depth, improving your capacity for connectedness can:
The human need for emotional connection goes back over 300,000 years. Yet, with nearly 8 billion people on Earth and regular social media use, modern humans are more depressed and lonely than ever. Even as people interact in person and online daily, they can often feel isolated or unable to open up to people. And most importantly, connections are scientifically proven to make you happier! For over 80 years, Harvard’s Study of Adult Development repeatedly reveals that the happiest, longest-living people have a thriving support system of interconnected relationships. Data from 148 other studies show that people with stronger social connections are also 50% more likely to survive. So forging better relationships isn’t just vital for your mental health—it directly impacts your physical health! Here is more about the 7 Science-Backed Reasons Why Friends are Important, including how quality friendships can:
↑ Table of Contents ↑ Why Do I Struggle to Connect With Others?When people deal with abandonment, trauma, toxic relationships, or other emotional damage, they often build walls around their hearts and emotions to protect themselves from further hurt. But sometimes, these dense barriers can do more harm than good. People who fear vulnerability often push people away when a connection gets too deep for comfort. A struggle to connect could be due to the following: Whether you or someone you know is facing these barriers to connection, the tips below will dig into specific communication skills you can use to create a safe space to build relationships. Disclaimer: Overcoming and healing these issues is possible, but we are not mental health professionals. Suppose you think you may be dealing with a mental illness or psychological barrier to connecting with the people in your life. In that case, we highly recommend reaching out to a licensed therapist or counselor. ↑ Table of Contents ↑ How to Connect With Others: 15 Ways to Deepen Your Social ConnectionsYou can’t force a feeling of connection, but you can do many things to open the door to better relationships. To build deeper, more fulfilling, and emotionally secure connections, try these 15 tips for expanding your social bonds. It’s almost impossible to deepen connections when you ask the same old questions: What do you do? Or Where are you from? Or How are you? These create terrible small talk! Instead, ask better, deeper questions. Worried it might be awkward? Research shows that people tend to overestimate the awkwardness of deep conversations. This misunderstanding can encourage more shallow interactions that are unfulfilling and draining. Instead, try steering the conversation toward a more meaningful direction with a unique conversation starter demonstrating your care. If you are trying to connect with someone new, here are 450 Fun Questions to Ask People in ANY Situation (That Work!). Our favorites are:
If you are already in a relationship you want to deepen, here are 170 Deep Conversation Starters For Couples For Connection. Our favorites include:
↑ Table of Contents ↑ 2. Make micro-commitments firstA micro-commitment is a baby step that helps you check someone’s character so you can build up to a more profound, long-lasting friendship down the line. Instead of diving off the deep end into a full-fledged BFF relationship right after you meet, micro-commitments help slowly build trust and connection over time. For example, it’s usually best to go on a coffee date before you commit to a fancy dinner date. Similarly, you probably wouldn’t plan a road trip with someone you haven’t ever had dinner with. As you build new friends and form deeper connections, you can make micro-commitments like:
You can see how people react to these baby steps so that you can work your way up to deeper connections. These micro-commitments help you build “friendship insurance” into your relationships to protect yourself from toxic people and ensure you connect with the right people. You want to ensure there are plenty of successful micro-commitments before you dig into conversations about your past or share intimate details about your life. Learn more in our full video guide to The Friend Code: How to Build Authentic Connections With People. ↑ Table of Contents ↑ 3. Do a project or challenge with themSociologists have found that people are more likely to connect over a shared goal or mutual effort, even if they are complete strangers! Two peoples’ joint attention on a project or challenge brings them closer together through problem-solving, discussions, and mutual accountability. You can use this social bonding trick to your advantage by starting a project or setting a goal with someone you’d like to connect with. For example:
A mutual effort to make something happen will help you forge a deeper bond and open the door for many new conversations. ↑ Table of Contents ↑ 4. Extend invitationsInviting someone to an event or get-together is a gift! Everyone loves an invitation, even if they can’t attend. Think about invitations as a gift. Don’t be afraid to make the first move. You may worry:
But without invitations, how will you ever connect on a deeper level? The truth is that people love when someone else (hopefully you!) takes the initiative to invite them to hang out.
Action Step: Think of someone you want to know more deeply. Give yourself a little pep talk so you can muster up the courage to invite them to do something with you. If they say no, remind yourself that people are busy, and it probably has nothing to do with you. To extend an invite, try texting or asking in person:
↑ Table of Contents ↑ 5. Be present and actively listenPresence and listening are like a master combo for connection. On the one hand, mindfulness and presence in interaction tend to enrich relationships. At the same time, active listening is a critical cue that you are interested in a closer relationship because you want to hear what they have to say. Improve your listening skills by replacing the habits on the left with habits on the right:
Without a presence in a conversation, the other person may think you don’t care what they have to say. Nothing blocks connection quite like wandering eyes and an inattentive mind. If someone is opening up to you or sharing something vulnerable and you aren’t actively listening, they may not feel comfortable doing it again. ↑ Table of Contents ↑ 6. Maintain “tennis match” conversationsWhen trying to break through surface-level conversations into deeper topics, it is crucial to maintain a balance of communication. On average, most people spend more than half of a conversation talking only about themselves! Talking too much can even cause more disconnection. If you want to connect more deeply, it helps to take a break from the self-talk and think of your conversations like a tennis match. There should be an equal give-and-take as you exchange stories, interests, and questions. A balanced conversation may sound like this:
When in doubt, the more interest you express in the other person, the better! Hopefully, they will return the favor and ask about you. If they don’t try to “serve the ball” back into your court, it may be a sign that they’re not the right person to connect with.
↑ Table of Contents ↑ 7. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerableVulnerability is the key to deep connection. If you don’t share anything about yourself, other people may never feel like they can know you, let alone want to share things with you. One of the easiest ways to get people to open up to deeper conversations is to start sharing something about yourself. While vulnerability may feel scary and awkward, research shows that self-disclosure makes you more likable. Think about it: You probably wouldn’t try to enter a store with all the lights off and a giant “closed” sign on the door. When you are willing to share more profound things (even just slightly below surface levels, like a pleasant memory of a childhood dog or a dream you’ve always had to travel to Europe), it’s like turning on the lights and placing an “open for business” sign on the door. Your openness welcomes potential new friends in to connect with you. As you let down your guard a little bit, it usually signals a feeling of safety for the other person to let loose. Key Caveat: This doesn’t mean wearing your heart on your sleeve and emotionally dumping your deepest darkest thoughts onto a stranger or acquaintance. That extreme vulnerability is best for friends and family members you deeply trust. Instead, connect with others by showing empathy and relatability, for example:
↑ Table of Contents ↑ 8. Maintain open lines of communicationIt’s hard to form emotional connections without keeping in touch. Connection is a two-way street that requires both parties to invest in the friendship or relationship. If you want to get past shallow interactions, you may need to maintain more communication with those who matter. Checking in on someone takes little time out of your day yet speaks volumes about your dedication to the relationship. It shows that you are thinking about them and caring about their well-being. Consider doing one of the following:
This can be a bit vulnerable because you are reaching out to someone that may not respond or have time to make plans. Everyone gets busy sometimes, so it is important not to take this personally. Opening up the communication with a weekly text or phone call can be a great way to show you care and want to connect more. However, it is best to avoid bombarding someone with messages. You also want to check that you’re not in a one-sided friendship. If it feels like there isn’t any reciprocal effort or that you’re the only person carrying the weight of communication efforts in the relationship, it could be a sign that they don’t want to be your friend or that you have outgrown each other. ↑ Table of Contents ↑ 9. Respect people’s boundariesBoundaries are the root of clear communication and intimate connection because they clearly express what you will allow someone to do (or not to do) in a relationship. For example, if you express that certain topics make you uncomfortable, your true friends will avoid those topics. Similarly, they should respect that boundary if you don’t want your significant other to read your journals. If you respect others’ boundaries, they are more likely to respect yours. Unfortunately, many people have been hurt by those who have previously disrespected their boundaries. For example:
To gain a person’s trust and move deeper in the relationship, you need to take great care to respect the boundaries they have in place. For example:
If you need to learn more about setting and respecting boundaries, this article might help: How to Set Boundaries: 5 Ways to Draw the Line Politely. ↑ Table of Contents ↑ 10. Understand attachment stylesIf you notice that you attract the same kind of people into your life, it may be due to your attachment style. Attachment styles describe the patterns found in childhood and affect how you connect to people. Research shows that these attachment styles explain why we often repeat many of the same relationship patterns repeatedly. The attachment theory also explains:
Whether it is due to childhood trauma or past relationships, certain attachment styles (specifically avoidant attachment and fearful attachment) find it harder to connect to others. Emotionally avoidant people often withdraw from others and avoid vulnerability because they don’t feel safe expressing their emotions. This can be a major barrier to connection, but many avoidants have found healing by establishing secure relationships with trustworthy people. If you want to build trust with an avoidant or fearfully attached person, you can try 40 Conversation Starters For Getting Someone to Open Up. Action Step: Take our Attachment Style Quiz to understand the four attachment styles and figure out yours. This awareness can help you move towards a more secure attachment and have more compassion for others when they seem unable to connect with you in certain ways. ↑ Table of Contents ↑ 11. Genuinely compliment them and express gratitudeWho doesn’t want to feel admired and appreciated? Studies show that compliments make us feel closer and more socially connected in the workplace or personal life. The giver and receiver of a compliment experience a burst of dopamine by being praised or appreciated. Instead of focusing on outer appearance or accomplishments, give sincere compliments on morals, skills, and core values. This is especially important for people whose love language is words of affirmation! For example, you can share one of these thoughtful praises in a quick text message or during a conversation:
Some of the best times to share compliments are:
↑ Table of Contents ↑ 12. Connect to the futureEvidence shows that thinking about the future (“prospection”) makes life feel more meaningful and exciting. Making plans with someone indicates that you invest in getting to know them better. It is a simple way to make people feel comfortable to share their thoughts, emotions, and dreams with you because they know you will be around to deepen the relationship in the future. This is especially important for signaling the transition from a casual dating scenario to a committed romantic relationship. Without prospects for a future relationship, people may not feel as devoted to connecting with you. Action Step: Think of someone you want to build a deeper connection with. Have you ever discussed an exciting future dream or project you want to do together? Brainstorm a few ways you can plan to do something one week or month later.
Just be sure that your plans aren’t empty promises. You can quickly shut down a connection if you extend an empty cliche (i.e., “Let’s get coffee sometime!”) and never follow through. ↑ Table of Contents ↑ 13. Show compassion and empathyFeeling connected to someone who doesn’t show compassion for others can be challenging. Many of the most socially isolated people have narcissistic traits that inhibit them from feeling or expressing empathy. When you want to deepen a connection, it helps to show your “softer” side so that people feel like you care. Compassion is an emotional response and willingness to help others in pain or trouble. Empathy is an intuitive awareness of other people’s emotions and an attempt to understand how they feel by “putting yourself in their shoes.” You can develop both by: Here is more about The 15 Habits of Highly Empathetic People (Empathy Guide). ↑ Table of Contents ↑ 14. Work on your personal developmentIt may seem counterintuitive, but personal growth and self-development are not just about you! Getting to know yourself can deepen every relationship in your life. As you become more aware of your values, beliefs, and behavioral patterns, you can bring more to the table when bonding with others. This can also help you be more vulnerable and empathetic! If you have found yourself in social circles that don’t really “get” you, it may be because you don’t know yourself well enough to seek out “your people.” Self-discovery is vital for finding a community of people that you can connect with. Action Step: If you haven’t already, embark on a self-discovery journey by trying out some of these daily habits that help you better understand yourself:
Self-discovery will ultimately set you on the path to becoming the highest version of yourself. Here are 10 Life-Changing Steps to Become the Best Version of Yourself, including:
↑ Table of Contents ↑ Meaningful relationships rarely come knocking on your door. You must get out into the world to find people to connect with. But not just any people—your people! Discovering likeminded individuals requires:
Here are some simple ways to find likeminded connections and expand your social sphere:
↑ Table of Contents ↑ Key Takeaways: Forge More Connections with OpennessSome people just “click,” but most of the time, it takes effort to create lasting connections. If you want to form lasting bonds with the people around you, remember to be open:
For more social fulfillment and closeness in your relationships, use this Ultimate Guide on How to Make Friends and uplevel your social life. |